“When Helen fell and broke her pelvis she was healing for quite a long time. It gave me the chance to sit and talk, to listen to her for long periods of time.” – Jeff Fraas

Ancient Wisdom

There are not many of us who remember 1932 and can talk about it firsthand. That was the year Helen Demaree was born. Can you imagine the changes she’s seen during her lifetime? Luckily, her nephew Jeff Fraas, a writer, has been able to learn much of what Helen has to offer by spending time with her and “just listening.”

“When Helen fell and broke her pelvis she was healing for quite a long time. It gave me the chance to sit and talk, to listen to her for long periods of time,” Jeff told me a couple of days ago, as we were visiting together in Helen’s home.

Helen, Jeff and I were gathered in Helen’s home, going through every item therein with her. Some may have thought it was an extra difficult task, due to the time commitment. But, Jeff has a different perspective.

“Can you imagine living alone and not having anyone to talk with for more than a year?” He asked earnestly, while moving some boxes from Helen’s sewing room onto the kitchen counter, where Helen transformed each material item from just “stuff” into a treasured memory. And, Helen’s memory has not faltered.

Jeff and I didn’t want to say too much because of the enveloping, flooding memories, headed toward our ears.

“Each generation believes they’re at center of the universe,” Jeff quietly and enlighteningly said to me. “In some ways we’re having to start all over, because we don’t always take the time to learn the circular lessons of living.”

Then, Jeff morphed into a physicist. He explained the process of understanding time as more than a strictly linear notion. “You’ve heard the phrase, ‘time is cyclical?’” He asked. “History is filled with examples of civilization cycles,” Jeff continued. “Those cycles are exactly what I’m talking about.”

Then, we watched Helen cycle out of the now, as she picked up another item and began to tell us about it. She told us about the memory and how it was tied to the people in her life. Some of those people are still physically in her life and some are not. Yet, as she described the people and the moments they shared, they were seemingly in the room with us. We were privileged to join them in a renewed cycle. We were hearing about them firsthand.

There are not many of us who remember 1932 and can talk about it firsthand. But, Helen Demaree can and does. That was the year Helen Demaree was born. Can you imagine the changes she’s seen during her lifetime? Luckily, her nephew Jeff Fraas, a writer, has been able to learn much of what Helen has to offer by spending time with her and “just listening.”

What can you learn by just listening?

Watch the latest episode of my show on American Dream TV. Click the link below.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1fQmn4Fhlr7ftMqEjb64VFw1eCCK-YAZx/view?usp=drive_link

“It takes half your life before you discover life is a do-it-yourself project.” – Napoleon Hill

Inside Listening

“Hi Lynn. This is Keith Clay. Kyle Christensen suggested I give you a call.”

The words were a little surprising to me as my friend Kyle passed away last year. Those same words also gave me a twinge; heart ache as a result of the loss of a dear friend. And, Keith’s introductory message alone was motivation enough for me to return his call quickly. So, I touched his number and waited for him to answer.

When Keith answered my return call we immediately began talking about what we had in common. You can imagine my surprise upon the discovery that Keith and I both had one unexpected commonality.

“My friend Kyle asked you to call me?” I sheepishly queried.

“Yes,” Keith responded quickly. “He said you’d take care of me when he was no longer able to.”

“I miss Kyle. He was one of my closest of friends,” I continued, right before I exposed the tap-root of unfinished personal business. “I had the feeling for a couple of weeks before he passed that I should call him and I didn’t. Now it’s too late.”

“I had the same feeling!” Keith confided right back, in an emotional staccato form, right before a sense of relief and calm filled the airwave between our two mobile telephones, which were a couple of thousands of miles apart. 

Neither of us had been listening well, on the inside. That shared, unexpected common ground linked us in ways I’m not able to explain.

I am also unable to explain why neither of us were adept at inside listening when, from a hindsight view, we could both tell you it would have provided absolution. Yet, with no forgiveness possible, all we could do is share and wrap each other in the cloak of empathy, understanding and resolution.

It’s not easy to be so resolute when coming face to face with one’s own selective deafness. It is especially so, when there is no corporeal justification. So, may you, as I have begun to do, implant the astute words of Napoleon Hill into your non-internal listening self as a remedy toward removing the earwax-like blockage that causes such internal hearing loss.

Said He, “It takes half your life before you discover life is a do-it-yourself project.”

When no one is there to forgive you, forgive yourself. Then, resolve to do better, surrounding yourself with others, who you admire and make you want to become a better person, just because you hunger to become as they are. Someone like my friend Kyle.

His body isn’t here with us anymore, but I hear him in my heart every day, encouraging me to strive to become a better person, to listen more, on the inside.

“I felt in my heart that I needed to do something in remembrance of my friend, my protector.” – Sammy Laney

Fostering Care

“When I was in the third grade I met Deborah. And from the moment of our meeting we became best friends,” Sammy explained, as we talked.

Deborah was adopted when in the 3rd grade, but Sammy didn’t know that and she didn’t care. Of course, when Deb came to school, no one knew else knew either. Nor did any of her fellow students know of Deb’s difficult and horrific journey, just to make it to 3rd grade. All Sammy knew was that she had a new best, forever, friend. Someone who would always be there for her. Someone who stood up for her. Someone who protected her. Sammy would later say that it was Deborah’s defining “championship” that created an instant and lasting bond between the two girls. And, even after Deborah’s tragic suicide that bond has endured.

“I felt in my heart that I needed to do something in remembrance of my friend, my protector,” Sammy said, as she talked about Deborah.

More than ten years later Sammy fondly remembers Deborah as a remarkable and beloved individual who fearlessly stood up against bullying, because she, Deborah, herself was bullied and tortured as a child. That’s why Sammy feels as if it is a great honor and privilege to serve the foster care community in Deborah's cherished memory. And, for Sammy, the Deb Project is always personal, focused on community-based individuals like foster mom, Aubrey Emerson.

For four years, Aubrey Emerson has spent most of her time surrounded by kids, specifically foster kids. Social workers file in, one after the other. And, sometimes it seems to her as if the kids are placed in her home with barely any notice.

“It gets hard to breathe. Some days it can be physically and emotionally draining,” Aubrey says. 

However, knowing she’s making a difference in a child's life makes her feel as if her efforts are worth it. 

“Government-based aid programs like ‘Women, Infants & Children’ (WIC) only help so much,” Aubrey explains. 

Although they provide baby food, they don’t provide for kids with special medical needs or diapers for foster kids and parents who need them. That’s why Aubrey is so grateful for the DEB Project.  

“It’s important, understanding that there’s a resource out there like the DEB Project,” Aubrey said. “They come alongside you to help; you’re not doing it alone.”

A few months ago, Sammy was there when a baby needing Enfamil came into Aubrey’s care, because it wasn’t covered under WIC. Aubrey didn’t know what to do. So, she turned to Sammy and the DEB Project. Sammy was not only able to provide baby food, but also gave her diapers in her time of need. 

“It’s basically just an open-door policy in our home right now,” Aubrey said, as she described the constant introduction of children to her care. And, Sammy is always there for us. 

Sammy truly fosters care. 

Are you fostering care?

“You can’t get too attached to one version of your identity. Progress requires unlearning." – James Clear

What You Don’t Do

There was a growth on Harry Pupper’s left eyelid. Truth be told, I didn’t notice it. That’s partly because he has a sort of “guyliner” highlight around his eyes. And, that little black line was hiding the small bump, the bump that wasn’t a big problem yet. But, it was growing and beginning to rub his eye and eyes are sort of important. So, we took Harry to see his veterinarian for an evaluation. The result of which was a scheduled surgery for my little buddy.

Harry had surgery Wednesday, last. It went well and he came out sporting a cone, wrapped around his neck, covering his entire head, while scrunching his ears.

“Why does he have the cone on?” I asked, thinking that cones are used exclusively to keep pups from licking their wounds.

“It is there to make sure he can’t use his legs and feet to rip the stitches out,” The experienced assistant explained.

Harry’s healing process and progress were clearly tied to such one-dimensional thinking. If he can’t reach the problem area, he will achieve his goal of keeping his stitches in place, so he can heal. 

James Clear’s singular healing advice, once offered to me, came to mind.

“You can’t get too attached to one version of your identity. Progress requires unlearning."

Unlearning can also be characterized as “What You Don’t Do” and three-dimensional thinking. Three-dimensional thinking introduces another dynamic into progressive decision making, called the multiplier effect, which is compelled forward by emotion.

After ten days of wearing a cone draped around his neck, Harry’s emotion was moping. He was sad to be sure. But, this morning, I was able to liberate him from that emotional drag. We got up, I removed the cone and he gave himself a thorough body shake, the kind that starts at the nose and quivers all the way through his stubby tail, and we went out for our always welcome morning walk together.

I watched him carefully as he sniffed and jogged. His happiness was palpable and was matched by my relief. Harry wasn’t tempted to sit down, reach up one of his rear legs and scratch his mostly healed eyelid. The one-dimensional path forward toward healing had succeeded. But, as for what he didn’t do now?

Once back in the house he crouched down and immediately began to lick his front paws again. It is a habit we’ve worked and worked to break. And, it’s a habit he remains emotionally committed to. Wearing the cone had no multiplier effect, no attached three-dimensional thinking for him. Perhaps that result is related to an inability to reason.

But, you possess the ability to reason. What you don’t do matters. It matters past today and has the ability to move you forward toward becoming the best version of yourself. And, happily you aren’t required to wear a cone to enjoy its multiplier effect, though it does require you to do something else. 

Make small daily choices that, over time, sculpt you into the person you desire.

“When I lost my husband I suddenly felt lost.” – Brenda Rouse

Restoring Balance

Brenda met me just outside her ticket office. I wasn’t expecting her to be watching, to be kind enough to come out to offer a greeting. Because she’s so welcoming it’s easy to become completely enthralled with this delightful person. And, I was about to learn that her personal story is just as captivating.

Brenda has been the Director of Excursions for the Arkansas & Missouri Railroad for just over thirty years. You’d never know it. Her energy and excitement are palpable, even after hosting more than fourteen thousand guests on her Holly Train with Santa since Thanksgiving. 

“When I lost my husband I suddenly felt lost,” she said before we sat on John Wayne’s former railcar and coasting comfortably in it, with Santa Clause, to complete our own Holly Train excursion.

“I thought I’d go back to my home state of Mississippi in an effort to become re-grounded,” she continued. “Then I got a call from the owner of the Arkansas & Missouri Railroad asking me if I’d be willing to come over to speak with her. I did. And now, it’s been just over thirty years. I’m still here and I still love it!”

The easy conclusion to reach from her description is that the job restored her balance. I’m sure it helped, but there is more to the story and Brenda’s noticeable charisma. After all, charisma is not so much an intrinsic personal gift, as it is a learnable skill having a lot to do with the ability to be fully engaged in each moment of your life. Taking a short excursion with Brenda is the express train to see how she restored her life-balance after being lost.

We’re all on the pajama train together. There is something about riding an historic railroad when everyone is dressed in their Christmas pajamas. It gives you the ability to see things from another person’s perspective, to understand how that person is feeling. And, Brenda is a master at showing: you can only be emphatic and place yourself in another person’s pajamas if you’re fully attentive to them.

Hear the “clickity clack” of the track. The ability to truly hear what someone is trying to communicate to you, both verbally and non-verbally is called listening attentively. Brenda carefully listens to the child within everyone, no matter their age.

The eyes have it. Eye contact is one of the most powerful forms of human connection. Brenda establishes such an impactful connection, allowing others to be heard and actually feel seen. Just ask the young conductor on her train and he’ll proudly tell you he’s been wearing his role and uniform as conductor over the last six years, since he was sixteen. He isn’t planning to ever leave.

Brenda isn’t planning to take an excursion elsewhere anytime soon either. And, anyone who rides her train is on the track of restoring their own balance. They receive Brenda’s three elements naturally, because they're given freely.

How’s your balance?