Someone Else's Eyes

Recognized pain seen only in someone else’s eyes

Someone Else’s Eyes

“We’re at mile marker 85” was the text in response to my earlier message, which said,

“I’ve arrived.  I’m in a white car.  You’ll see me parked on the side of the off-ramp at Exit 62.”

I was there waiting for Sarah Jade and her friend so I could answer their questions about a particular piece of land on the fringe of Utah’s Great Salt Desert.  We shared an interest in this area because of its majesty, solitude and sanctuary.  It made me feel connected to these people, people I’d never met in person.  So, I waited in anticipation of their arrival.

I soon saw a small car take the lonesome desert exit and glide to a stop next to my window.  We both lowered our windows and shared a greeting to confirm identities.

“Lynn?”  Monique, Sarah Jade’s friend inquired.

“Yes.”  I responded.

Sarah Jade peeked around her friend and said, “Hi Lynn.  It’s nice to meet you in person.

“Great to meet you!”  I said.  “Follow me and I’ll take you up the road to the land.”

We raised our windows and drove forward.  But, confirming identities with my companions also raised unanticipated feelings to match our surroundings.  You see, I had created my own version of these acquaintances well before they had arrived.  And, these people were nothing like my inaccurate manufacture.  Such feelings began to leave me feeling as isolated as the encompassing, remote desert terrain until a sudden and enlightening connecting-sight hit me as if a bolt of lightning in the middle of a bright, clear day, soon after we arrived at our destination.

We stopped, stood and looked.  I listened to Sarah Jade and Dominique paint their vision of what they could do there.  I listened intently as they described their life path.  The path that led them to this destination. They talked of their affinity for the place and what it offered.  I understood all of that.  But then, I saw that bolt of lightning.  You know, the one I described as coming out of the blue.

Dominique’s descriptive story referenced the small town in which she grew up.  She described the way she was treated by some of the people there.  I saw a flash of pain in her eyes.  The pain that pulled her to this place.  This hoped for sanctuary.

I recognized that pain and it cleansed me!  It cleansed me of my self-imposed feelings of difference.  It once again connected me to Sarah Jade and Dominique, as kindred, in an instant.  Because I recognized how they were just like me for the first time.  Well after we had met virtually.  Shortly after we met face to face.

“We’re at mile marker 85” Sarah Jade said through written word in response to my earlier message which said,

“I’ve arrived.  I’m in a white car.  You’ll see me parked on the side of the off-ramp at Exit 62.”

I was there waiting for Sarah Jade and her friend so I could answer their questions about a particular piece of land on the fringe of Utah’s Great Salt Desert.  We shared an interest in this area because of its majesty, solitude and sanctuary.  It made me feel connected to people I’d never met in person.  So, I waited with anticipation for their arrival.

What I didn’t anticipate from meeting Sarah Jade and Dominique was the arrival of a new understanding.  An understanding of how you and I can be connected in ways that surpass our current, inaccurate portrayal of how and why others supposedly differ from us.  New understanding comes from recognition.  Not a recognition of physical attributes, but of shared personal experience.  

It’s something we can only see by looking deeply into someone else’s eyes.

Something Good is Happening

“My kids have been working to help our family!” – Maria White

Something Good is Happening

I didn’t come to work with Maria White on this particular Friday afternoon to have my heart changed.  I didn’t even arrive at our office on the town square to receive additional hope. When I did arrive, early in the afternoon, the sky was cloudy and rain was threatening.  There was a steady breeze animating the trees and crinkling the once still puddles dotting the sidewalks and streets.  In all, it was a gray day, punctuated with lively movement and bright green foliage.  I guess I should have paid more attention to that positive movement and brightness at the time, since it was a scene the rest of the afternoon would emulate.  But, in my defense, I had never before moved to open one door to find that I had really opened another.

When I say, I had really opened another door, I’m giving myself way too much credit.  I more accurately should have said that I simply showed up and listened.  It was listening to Maria’s story and taking it to heart that opened an unexpected door for me.

“I haven’t met you.”  Maria said when I arrived. Then we settled in to work.  But, it wasn’t all work.  We also spent time talking, getting to know each other.  And Maria’s tale illustrates that the only way to truly improve our relationships and communities is find our way back to each other.

“As the pandemic started my husband lost his job.  Then he found a new job only to get laid off again within a short time.”  She explained.  “That’s when my kids stepped up and began to help.”

The afternoon was still gray outside, but Maria’s story was filled with dynamic movement and was punctuated with the brightness of hope. When faced with adversity she and her family could have lost all confidence and had their spirits completely broken.  But, they rallied around each other and discovered at least three significant things.

First, they never loosened their bonds of relationship.  They rediscovered that their challenges are an amazing opportunity to strengthen their connection by serving each other.

Second, they focused on changing their hearts individually.  They moved forward through action, saying “I’m helping you because we’re all family!”

Third, they found that they already had everything they needed.  Each other.

As I listened I was glad Maria and I had found each other too. I didn’t come to work on this particular Friday afternoon to have my heart changed.  I didn’t even arrive at our office on the town square to receive additional hope. When I did arrive, early in the afternoon, the sky was cloudy and rain was threatening.  There was a steady breeze animating the trees and crinkling the once still puddles dotting the sidewalks and streets.  Outside, it was a gray day, punctuated with lively movement and bright green foliage.  And inside?  I paid riveted attention to Maria’s story of love and brightness of hope, since it sets the scene the rest of the of us emulate.  

Our continuing story can be one focused on showing charity to all, with malice to none, so something good will happen for every one in our human family.

Hard Shell, Meekness Inside

Two turtles traversing a golf green

Hard Shell, Meekness Inside

The sun was just beginning to peek out above the trees.  After all, it was morning, and perhaps it was rising at this time just to illuminate the two large turtles crawling across the grass to my right.  They were making their way across a putting green.   

“I haven’t ever seen that before!”  I said to myself as I paused to relish the sight.  “It’s a two-some slowing down play!”  I laughed, just before I remembered a conversation with my friend and mentor J.K. Morrison.

“The trick is to be tough on the outside while remaining soft on the inside.”  Dr. Morrison said as he offered his final advice during our talk together as I prepared to leave graduate school. 

And, these turtles seemed to be the perfect personification of Dr. Morrison’s sage advice.  Yet, there are some who would characterize the turtle as a weak, slow creature, something to be tormented because of its inability to lash out and seek revenge.  Such people, influenced by our modern society, have yet to discovered the turtle’s inner characteristics of beauty, patience and hopeful endurance.  Turtles may be the personification of the virtue of meekness.

The human quality of meekness has lost favor during our lifetime because those exhibiting this trait are branded as vulnerable and weak.  But, the truly meek offer inward resilience and strength. Pure meekness does not identify the weak, but more precisely the strong.  Those who have been placed in a position of weakness, where they persevere without giving up. Earlier language definitions of the word made this clear.  It means "tame" when applied to wild animals. In other words, it recognizes the fact that once fierce animals have not lost their strength, but have learned to control the destructive instincts that would prevent them from living in harmony with others.

In my attempt to live in harmony with these traversing turtles I hung back, holding Harry Pupper tight on his leash, while watching them sort of scamper, turtle-style, along their chosen path. Watching their trek gave me a moment to think of how you and I could use the virtue of meekness as a way to strengthen our personal relationships. Here are the five suggestions that these turtles conveyed to my mind:

• Stop thinking you know everything, or stop pretending to.

• Be willing to be challenged and learn—let your loved ones push you.

• Don’t see difference as a challenge to your values.

• Be humble enough to admit your flaws, not just your failures.

• Collaborate and be willing to share credit and success with those you live and work with.

My collaboration with these two turtles finished about the time I finished making note of these suggestions.  Just as their shells disappeared down the slight hill they had climbed. The sun was beginning to fully shine then, well above the once silhouetted trees toward the east.  After all, it was morning, and perhaps the sun was rising higher, at this moment, to fully illuminate and imprint the importance of maintaining a hard shell on one’s outside while remaining soft, meek, on the inside.  As they continued their crawled across the grass and down the hill, now unseen, to my right, I understood that they had blazed a bright trail toward more understanding of the importance of being meek.

Neighborly Advice

The day I realized being an adult didn’t mean I have all of life’s answers

Neighborly Advice

“We all want the same thing.”  The voice said to me through the speaker of my phone.

I thought this was the case.  But, there were more people involved that just the two of us.  In fact, there were now six different people in the mix.  And, while five of us were working together there was one who seemed to be working toward an unknown objective.

I say an unknown objective quite loosely.  Because he knew his objective. It was just that the other five of us, all of whom shared one common goal, couldn’t comprehend what that other one’s, more and more, seemingly stand-alone objective was.  This caused the other five of us to become confused and feel helpless as we searched for a solution to our dilemma.  The dilemma of not knowing all of the answers.

Before I became old.  Before I was even sort of old, when I was a child, I thought adults had all of the answers.  Then I became one.  An adult, I mean.  I knew I still didn’t have all of the answers, but I thought as I aged that perhaps I’d awaked to a moment when I’d have them all.  And now that I can easily tell others that I look great for one-hundred and two years of age, and be believed, I still find myself in the same position.  I don’t have all of the answers!  Coincidentally, over the past two weeks, the four other people, working with me toward that common goal and at least one other adult have told me they don’t have all the answers either.

This dilemma is what my friend Ron Mitchell, one of the foremost experts in business development and entrepreneurship, calls “Unknown, Unknowns.”  And, over the years I’ve learned that Unknown, Unknowns aren’t exclusive to business.  They’re one of the constants we all share as humans.  So, here we go.  I’ve been thinking through the following five steps almost constantly over the past three weeks. I hope they help you stride into and through the darkness of the unknown as well. 

First.  Ask yourself, “What can I do?”  The often-unknown corollary here is to not simply ask the question, but to follow up with the “And-Thinking” that must be combined with doing to be effective.  For example, when the person, we’ve been working with, would’nt move forward with us we had to acknowledge that he wasn’t working with us, that we needed to continue to work with him, and we could move forward in other ways we hadn’t explored yet.  And-Thinking has a mind-expanding effect.  Give it a try.

Second. Take the initiative. That’s often hard to do when you’re thinking you may be stepping into the great abyss!  When that happens take a deep breath and remember that such thinking is a mind-trick.  My friend Anthony Browness vividly demonstrated this to me through virtual reality.  He put a 2X6 board flat on the floor of his game room, put a virtual reality headset on me and asked me to walk that “plank” between two skyscrapers, with helicopters buzzing me!  While experiencing this my mind knew I was only two inches off the floor, but all of my other senses would not believe it!  I had to take the initiative to keep walking.  Otherwise I would have been needlessly frozen on that board forever.  Taking the initiative to move forward confirms that you really do have the ability to succeed by moving forward.

Third.  Remind yourself of the good things.  Having an attitude of gratitude will keep you feeling good, even if you’re experiencing more challenge that good.  Make sure to set a specific time every day to simply relish the good you’re experiencing.  See how it makes you feel.

Fourth.  Recognize the power you feel as a result of your walk forward.  It’s one thing to feel good about external accomplishes, but there is nothing more powerful than allowing yourself to discover and take note of your internal accomplishments.  I’ve begun to keep an old photo of myself and a friend on my desk.  It was taken by Keith and Diane Merrill, two of my dearest friends, in their Santa Ana home in 1978.  They sent it to me recently and it reminds me of how much I’ve grown.  Keith and Diane, now in their eighties, told me that they’re still learning and growing every day when we talked on the phone just about one week ago.

Fifth.  Accept help from those around you!  Nothing makes you feel more alone than actually living alone.  I felt a huge rush of relief when my friend Scott Hanson ran interference for me earlier this week.  I marveled at his skill and clear-headed thinking.  He removed a huge burden by being in the moment with me.  His experience allowed him to say and do the right things when I was completely at a loss.  Don’t allow yourself to needlessly live alone accept help.

I wasn’t alone when I heard the voice say, “We all want the same thing.”  The voice was right!  We all want to know that even though we know we don’t have all of the answers.  Even though there will always be Unknown, Unknowns, we can conquer whatever we don’t know by following these five-known-steps.

They’re just a little Neighborly Advice.