Linking Memories

Three neighborhood gatherings

Linking Memories

My small group of Southern California neighbors had just finished a very modest meal together when one of them pulled a well-worn harmonica from his pocket and began to play delightful music that enticed all of us to dance and laugh.  It was the first time I could remember a sense of pure, satisfying joy for a long time, perhaps since I was a child.  And, this charming memory has stayed with me now for thirty-five years.

Twenty-seven years ago I was in a friend’s home in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia as we gathered, as friends, to enjoy each other’s company with food and entertainment.  We all brought and shared favorite dishes while entertaining each other with our “Off-Broadway” talents.  And, once again, neighbor-played music was so enchanting that we all began to dance around as if we were children without worldly care.  Our location, in an anxious prelude to the Gulf War, was forgotten and overshadowed for a few welcomed minutes as a result of neighbor originated healing and support.

This week, on a Thursday evening, I could feel present day healing and support from my neighbors, who gathered together to share homemade soups, bread and resident performed instrumentals with singing.  Here, as in the other locations, I felt the moving music combine with companionship to provide a welcome respite from the pressing challenges of our time. And, it caused me to create charming memory-links, accompanied by a question.

What was it that knitted these three memories together with such fondness? 

We live in a time with instant access to the world’s greatest entertainment at our fingertips with little, if any associated feelings of connection or fondness.  Such access has, in many ways, enriched our lives, just as mass produced, ready to warm “gourmet food” has developed our taste and quest for acquiring the only the “best” that money and convenience can buy.  Yet they have never filled my soul with the affection associated with three simple, community linked-memories.

These cherished memories have allowed me to discover that “The Best” life has to offer is only, truly available at home with our neighbors.  Perhaps it has something to do with the particular process of what it takes to create a neighborhood.  What is that recipe?

Here are ingredients I saw added into creating and sustaining my neighborhood over the past week.

* As I’ve been recovering from surgery, my friend Joe and his family have graciously fed and watered my cows so I could rest.

* My friend Jeffrey came to visit with me so as to give encouragement and share his thoughtful watchfulness.

* Shelly organized, crafted and directed our annual neighborhood celebration that resulted in a touching and mesmerizing evening together, where more than one hundred neighbors contributed their singing, instrumental and culinary skills as a gift from their hearts to every neighbor wishing to mingle and bond.

Lives are changed and enhanced most effectively neighbor to neighbor.  It doesn’t matter where your neighborhood sits in our vast world.  What does matters is that we give of ourselves; our harmonica playing, our cooking, our acts of kindness, so we can all be charmed & memory-linked with each other in a neighborhood community filled with soul satisfying, pure joy.

Mirror Magic

“My kids didn’t know how bright the stars really were!”

Mirror Magic

Preconceived notions seemed to be the order of the night.  I know I walked in with them.  As person after person, from the large crowd, got up to make a comment it became perfectly obvious to me that every person in the hall had also come to the meeting with the same.

I say the same because each individual had their own preconceived notion.  Of course that was to be expected, since we were all looking out of our own eyes.  But what I didn’t expect was to see how those preconceived notions would magically change over a five-hour period of time.

As time ticked forward, with comment after comment, the magic pattern began to gradually appear.  It is a pattern we can all use to our benefit.  I call it Mirror Magic.

Mirror magic is something we’ve all witnessed many times in our lives.  In fact, it is so common it’s a yawner!  When was the last time you were in a conversation, or simply in proximity, to another person who yawned?  Did you notice that as soon as another person yawned that you had a natural impulse to yawn as well?  That’s because humans are biologically predisposed to mirror each other!  Since we’re mirroring predisposed, the same principle holds with all of our behaviors.

When someone smiles at us, we naturally smile back.  When someone extends their hand to shake or makes a graceful bowing motion in greeting, we automatically respond in kind.  We’re all connected in a magical way.  Just knowing and understanding this principle is more important than knowing all of the science around it.  I don’t even pretend to understand the science.  I just know the principle is true because I’ve experienced it over and over again.  And, my experience has taught me about its duality.

Giving people a genuine, warm smile automatically paves the way for an in-kind response.  Giving another person a genuine, hateful scowl paves the way for an in-kind response.  Our behavior paves the way for an automated response from others.

Being in this large public meeting allowed me to watch this automated response on a massive scale as hundreds of people were interacting with each other.  The hall was filled with people holding differing, emotional opinions.  In this situation holding the right mirror up at the very beginning of the meeting made all the difference in everyone’s experience.

“We’re here to listen to each other.” The Chairman said.

And listen we did!  Listening revealed that we had more in common than we expected.  Perhaps most importantly, we learned that the people holding a conflicting point of view were, “not the conspiracy driving, evil people I thought you were!”  It also revealed that our preconceived notions are often not accurate, and that mirror magic is always exact.

When we want our kids, and others around us, to know exactly how bright the stars really are, we can simply show them.  The stars lighting our darkest hours are always a reflection of the genuine and welcoming smile on our face.

Hiding in Plain Sight

“I was getting ready to leave the office when he asked me for a ride.” – Barbara

Hiding in Plain Sight

Barbara had come to help me.  She did.  Just not in the way I expected her to!

We were talking, as she was getting ready to leave.  I invited her to sit while she put her shoes back on.  She declined, saying that she was just fine bending down.  I watched as she slid her right foot out and tugged her first shoe on. 

“I need to get going.”  She said.  “I’m on my way to deliver some things to a guy I work with.”

I allowed the conversation to move into a short lull, in hopes that she would continue on.  She did.

“I was getting ready to leave the office when he asked me for a ride.”  She said as she reached for her left shoe.  “I thought I was just giving him a ride to his house, but that wasn’t the case!  Once we were in the car he asked if I would be kind enough to take him to the local food pantry so he could get dinner for his kids!”

She shoved her foot into the left shoe as a look of satisfaction stretched across her face.

“I couldn’t believe it!  Here’s this guy, I work with every day, who is always happy and smiling, telling me he needed help to feed his kids!”  She said as a few sparks flew from her eyes.

Since that occurrence, less than a week ago, she had mobilized others in her office to begin to help their friend.  The man they never really knew.

“We’ve all gone through our homes to find the things his family needs.  We’ve given them beds, tables, couches and other things that were just sitting, unused, in our homes.  Those things weren’t doing anything for us, but they have meant the world to him!  We all cleaned out our pantries as well.  Still, there are a few more things I need to stop and purchase before I visit him tonight.”  She continued with her hand turning the doorknob so she could exit quickly.

I made her stop, before she left, so we could reached into our own pantry and help a little as well.  Barbara’s eyes glistened as she thanked us and turned to the last leg of her day’s work.  I watched as she walked down my sidewalk to get in her car thinking back to when she had arrived.

When Barbara came to visit me I knew nothing about her.  By the time she left, I knew everything I needed to know about her. 

We often spend our workdays in polite conversation with those we come into contact with; we think we know them, but we really don’t.  I knew I didn’t know Barbara when she came and she made me wonder if I really knew anything at all about the many people, I now knew, I was simply pretending to know.

The man Barbara works with, and was pretending to know, was really an acquaintance before.  Now she’s his friend! She thought he was there to help her with her work.  Now she knows he was given a place in her life for a great purpose. He’s there to allow her to discover satisfaction and real meaning in her life; always there, hiding in plain sight. 

The Cow's Trail

The First Major Winter Storm

The Cow’s Trail

It was just after the first major winter storm of the season.  Snow was covering most of the grass in my field, so I knew the animals would be hungry and as soon as I walked toward the hay barn the little pony began to follow me.

Once inside, I scooped up some flakes of hay and walked her back to the manger where she began to eat.  Then, I sauntered back to the barn for more hay because the cows were also hungry. 

To make it easy on myself I tossed the hay across the arena fence into the manger and then stepped back to watch as the cows simply stood, in agitation, at the fence and stared!  The hay they wanted so badly was right in front of them, yet they weren’t able to get past an obvious major obstacle.  Their clear anxiety and confusion caused me to think about how you and I, at times, also follow “The Cow’s Trail” to obstacles, so we don’t get the things we want in life either!

Ok.  You and I surely have mental and physical advantage over cows!  But, can you think of times when you’ve followed that same path to anxiety and confusion?  Have you ever had a time when all you could see was an obstacle keeping you from what you wanted? Did fixating on it make it go away?  Is there a different path available?

Yes!  There are different paths apart from the Cow’s Trail.  Here’s how I showed them a new way to get what they wanted.  In order to coax the cows along, so they could reach their desired reward, I simply “left a trail of bread crumbs.” Those little deposits of hay along a new path opened their view to new discovery.  As they marched along, they soon found that the gate was open and they could reach their reward manger.  It worked for them.  It can work for you and me as well!

Here’s what I’ve found to make a difference when I’m feeling as if I’m a steer on the wrong side of the abundance fence:

First, take the time to ask, “Is there a path to get what I want, even when what appears to be obvious isn’t working?”  This one simple question has magical power to open your mind to new possibilities!  Staring at one thing has huge opportunity cost.  In other words, because you aren’t looking for other opportunities, you aren’t seeing them.  Stubborn-staring has a cost.

Second, reduce your opportunity cost as much as possible.  Start down a new path one step at a time.  You can map multiple steps in advance; just make sure you take each step fully.  Then, enjoy the small rewards as you reach them.  I couldn’t get the cows to take a different path without the promise of reward. And, there are lots of rewards to enjoy while on your journey.  Make sure you enjoy them all!  They’ll make your ultimate reward just that much sweeter!

Finally, be ready to accept a different ultimate reward, should it present itself.  Have you ever gotten what you wanted, only to be disappointed?  It can happen to all of us.  Yet, the reverse can also be true!  One of my favorite movie lines of all time is, “What do you do when your real life is better than your wildest dreams?”

There will be times, for each of us, when it seems as if our greatest dreams are frozen by the winter storms of life.  It is in those moments when you can remember “The Cow’s Trail” and begin to look for a new, currently hidden, path to the manger of your dreams.