Balancing out the Negative Things

“Life for the average American has never been better.” – Roy F. Baumeister

Balancing out the Negative Things

“If anyone has a reason to have a negative outlook on life right now, it is Kyle!”  I said to myself as I walked in his office.

I was looking forward to spending some time talking to my friend Kyle Christensen.  We hadn’t had a chance to speak since he told me about his appointment with his doctor.  When he told me about his appointment, to get a formal diagnosis, he already had a strong intuition of what the diagnosis was.  Still, thinking you know what the diagnosis is, is far different from hearing it confirmed!

I know this from direct experience.  And, my experience is, that even when you believe you’re prepared for “the worst,” the ensuing emotion is often times a huge surprise to many people. 

When it happened to me, I really underestimated the emotional side of hearing the dreadful “C” word as it drifted my way, from my doctor’s mouth.  In fact, I remember, very clearly, hearing the diagnosis, taking it calmly, driving home, and then sitting on my living room sofa, only to be hit in the face by a stream of tears and halted breathing.  And, looking back on the experience, I can see that perhaps having someone there, who had been through it, who understands the experience, to sort of hold my hand would have been a real comfort.  That’s why I wanted to be there with my close friend!

I sat directly across from Kyle for this conversation.  I can’t tell you everything, but I can tell you that, as is almost always the case when I talk with him, he gave me invaluable and surprising insight.

“I’ve put myself on a 99-day program.”  Kyle said as we talked about how he’s focusing on moving forward with his life in a positive way.  “I started once before, but didn’t keep on track so I started again and I can feel changes in my body!”

You see, Kyle did his own research and is following a well-defined path, based on what he discovered.  And, his discovery just happens to corroborate research first published in 2001 by Roy F. Baumeister about “the negativity effect.” 

The premise of his research is “that bad things are so powerful that they can override good.  In fact, years, or even decades of good will can be swept away by a negative encounter or event.

What Kyle has in common with the findings of Roy Baumeister, is the discovery that “general pessimism about society is a trick of the mind.  Things are not as bad as they seem, but people are always clamoring to get attention by saying there’s a crisis around the corner.”

Kyle, in spite of his illness, has recognized that his life is actually quite good today!  After all, he (as do we) live in a time when we enjoy peace, prosperity, comfort and effective medical & emotional care.  And, Kyle has made the personal determination to essentially overwhelm the bad with good, to improve his condition by eliminating the negative.

“Anger has an effect on the liver.”  Kyle explained to me.  “When a person is filled with anger, their liver can’t function properly.  That’s just one example of how I’m working to allow my body to heal itself.  I’ve already begun to feel my liver sort of “flutter” as I’ve come to terms with removing negative emotion that has built up in my live over the years!”

As he was speaking, I remembered the words written by Roy Baumeister, “Life for the average American has never been better, although you wouldn’t know this from turning on a cable news show.”

Here’s what Roy (and Kyle) prescribes for everyone:

“Remember, it’s the few bad things that have a disproportionate impact.  To improve things, start out by eliminating the negative.  Cultivating the positive is important, too, but the first thing is to avoid doing really bad things that would do lasting damage. And then remember, life is usually good, but (good) wins by force of numbers.”

“If anyone has a reason to have a negative outlook on life right now, it is Kyle!”  I said to myself as I walked in his office. 

When I walked out of his office, I realized that He and I had taken a moment to reflect on the good side, to balance out the negative things!

More Than a Haircut

Generosity to our most vulnerable

More Than a Haircut

I should have been there about one month earlier.  But, I guess in the total scheme of things, it didn’t really matter.  Anyway, I dragged my shaggy-self into my “local” on Main Street.  Stay Classic Barbershop.

It’s a place that has long impressed me, due to its eclectic clientele.  I’ve always known that everyone is welcome.  Even me!  It’s open sense of community is one of the two greatest things I love about it.  That’s why it is my “local.” 

As I was saying, as I walked in the other day I was greeted warmly, just before I signed in.  Then I took a seat for a short wait.

My next seat was in Chis Deherrera’s chair.  That’s when he began his artistry.  It’s also where I got to sit and watch other customers come in to receive service.  And, on this particular winter’s-day I was not disappointed by the kaleidoscopic view!

About the middle of my hair cut, an interesting phrase to be sure, since one could argue that due to my hair line, every one of my hair cuts begins in the middle, one of our community’s most vulnerable walked in with a smile.  He was well known by the whole staff, was an aged man, had a catheter bag hanging from his waist, wore tattered clothing and was fully welcomed upon his arrival.

He joyfully sashayed right to the first available chair.  His Barber wrapped a cape around his neck and front as he opened their conversation about the NFL, because he knew that this customer was an avid fan.  I listened as they exchanged information about the playoffs and their picks for the championship, all while his hair was trimmed to perfection.  Then, when his hair was fully styled, the cape was removed and bright thankyous were exchanged, I noticed one more, distinguishing thing.

On this occasion, for one of our community’s most vulnerable, his heartfelt thankyou was enough!

“Where are you going to watch the game?”  His Barber asked, as his friend walked away.

He didn’t know, but he felt confident that a way for him to watch would be opened.

I should have been there about one month earlier.  But, in the total scheme of things, it really mattered that I was there, on this day.  I dragged my shaggy-self into my local barbershop on Main Street.  Stay Classic.  And, when I left, I felt trimmed on the outside and warm on the inside!

It’s a place that has long impressed me, due to its eclectic clientele.  I’ve always known that everyone is welcome.  Even me!  It’s open sense of community is one of the two greatest things I love about it.  That’s why it is my “local.”  As I was saying, as I walked in the other day, I, along with everyone else who entered, was greeted warmly.

I took a seat for a short while.  And, my heart has stayed warm ever since leaving, because this place is much more than a local barbershop!  Stay Classic gives much more than a haircut.  It is the meaning of community.

Someone Else's Abandoned Dream

An unfinished building in the middle of the jungle

Someone Else’s Abandoned Dream

I was covered in mud.  That is, my body and the side-by-side I was driving on mud covered roads through a jungle in the Dominican Republic.  It was a welcome and almost total departure from my normal reality.  But, I didn’t have any idea just how far afield I had gone until I turned to go up a hill to find a total surprise at the very top!

There, at the top of a rise, overlooking a beautiful beach was a large, three-story, unfinished, abandoned building.  It had been there long enough, that the jungle was working to reclaim the cherished spot.  The concreate was crumbling, the rebar rusting and some of the stairs and walls were in mid-collapse, so I steered physically well-cleared.  At the same time, my eyes stayed riveted to someone else’s abandoned dream as I drove past, toward my destination, the Caribbean Sea.

I saw it, the turquoise water, past the decaying concrete, through the trees.  The slope of the trail rushed downward at the crest, calling me toward the rush of my favorite water in the world.  And, in a few more minutes, the muddy trail was replaced by pure, fine, white seashore sand.  That’s when I pulled over, stopped the machine, walked to the sea and let it rush over my feet and legs.  And, it was there, under the swaying coconut palms and the deep blue sky punctuated with inadvertent clouds, that the ocean breeze seemed to communicate a very personal message to my soul.

Here I was, off the beaten path, enjoying the world’s beauty, and all I could think about was that decaying building on top of the hill.  It was as a knife striking me through the heart!

“How much of me has become like that decaying building?”  I said to myself.  “Have I abandoned my dreams on the crest of life’s hill when such amazing beauty is so close and open for enjoyment?”

The two questions stuck to my mind, like the mud covering my body, as I got back into the machine and started back up the hill.  My dreams have become covered by road mud, because I have allowed myself to be distracted by life’s jungle. That was the message carried on the breeze, as I rambled back up that hill toward someone else’s abandoned dream, on mud covered roads, through a jungle in the Dominican Republic. 

This adventure was a welcome and almost total departure from a reality that has become, in some ways, the disappearance of my authentic self.  But, I didn’t have any idea just how far afield from my dreams I had gone, until I traveled up this particular hill discovering a stark contrast between that decaying building and the beauty of the white sand beach, heightened by rhythmic, turquoise water below!

 “My own dreams have been abandoned long enough!”  I almost yelled at the jungle while it steadily worked to reclaim someone else’s cherished dream, on my second pass. 

It had taken such a folly to awaken me to the crumbling concrete, rusting rebar, falling stairs & mid-collapsing walls of my own dreams.  And now?  My eyes are once again becoming riveted to who I really am.  The person I’ve always dreamt of becoming.  My true authentic self.

“I won’t let life’s jungle take my dreams any longer!”  I whispered to the breeze as I drove on toward the refreshment of a cave, so I could swim in its pool of crystal-clear waters, constantly replenished from a dripping ceiling.