Wounded

Utah Gymnastics and a teen-aged boy

Wounded

Being on the competition floor, scoring at the vault, for University of Utah Gymnastics over the last seventeen years, or so, has allowed me to recognize many of opposition coaches.  So, on this Saturday afternoon meet in February, it was obvious that Oregon State University’s head coach, Tanya Chaplin was not with the team.  Her husband, and acting head coach, Michael Chaplin was there to guide the team so Tanya could heal at home.  And, a different assistant coach, one I didn’t recognize, handed me the team’s vault lineup for verification just before the Beaver’s queued to compete on the apparatus.  This, along with Tanya’s absence, tickled my mind with a question about how to help heal a young teen aged boy’s different kind of wound, when I recognized it earlier in the week in a much different setting.

I recognized the boy’s wound because when he entered his family’s kitchen, as I sat at the dining table talking and working with his mother, I was transported back to a time when I was about his same age.  Had I not been through the same type of familial upheaval and looked in the mirror, at my own face for many years since, I would not have recognized his deep pain.  I knew he had little chance of healing at home as Coach Chaplin was doing. 

“What a contrast to Tanya Chaplin’s home-based, physical healing process!”  I thought to myself as I closely observed Oregon State Beaver after Beaver launch successfully over the vault.

For far too many in our community, home is not a place of healing.  Some only know their home as a place of deep emotional pain.  I as one of those in the early years of my life.  I mention it to you, only because I desire to give others, of similar circumstance, hope that there is the possibility of being healed from their unseen emotional wounds.

No.  I have not fully healed.  But, I look forward to the day when I will be.  And, I wanted to share some of what I’ve learned through my years of progression with you.

First, there are others, outside of your family that will offer you shelter and love if you’ll look for them and accept their help.  Jack and Maxine Young were such surrogate parents for me.  I’ll never forget the sincere look on their face and the love in their voice as they said, “There is always dinner for you at our table!  You are not alone!”  I have loved them, and will love them, for the rest of my life as a result of their goodness!

Second, another man, Rex C. Reeve, sat across from me in a private office a few short years later, after having reviewed my family history and said, “You’ve been through hell!  But you can be anyone you want to be here!”  Then, he was a sterling example for me to emulate and talk with, whenever I needed his friendship and guidance.  He was there for, and was the minister who officiated the marriage ceremony which initiated the start of my new family. 

Know that great people will come into your life, at the right time, to show you a new way forward and to help you along your way, if you’ll look for them and have a little patience for them to show up in your life, just in the nick-of-time.  You can count on it!

Finally, a few years ago I visited with another friend whose wife had just left him and ended their marriage.  It made a difference to him for me to say, “I understand your pain because my own family disintegrated when I was a teenager.”  Just knowing that I understood and had experience-based empathy made a difference for him.  It somehow allowed him to not feel so alone and lost in his otherwise private pain.

He replied with, “I knew there was something different, special, about you!”

After that connection moment, we counseled together many times.  We shared and compared our feelings and experiences.  We were in it together!  Our friendship will never end.

So, if you’re wounded, remember these three things!  People outside of your broken family have love and shelter to offer you.  There are great people that will come into your life to be an example and mentor you.  Finally, your pain can be used to the benefit of others.  Use it to help heal the wounded that come into your life.

The Oregon State Beavers, the team with their head coach healing at home, competed very well during this particular Saturday afternoon in February gymnastics meet.  I watched firsthand as they hit the vault with their hands, launching themselves to great heights.  Every one of them landed safely and successfully!  No.  That isn’t always the case.

But, I promise the wounded, who are reading this, that they can vault their lives to greater heights, because of the goodness of others surrounding them, while combining their own empathy and experience to benefit those wounded by similar circumstance.

Back-em-ups

A two-for-one-father

Back-em-ups

I was standing near the corner of 84^th Street and Broadway, waiting.  It was a gray and blustery, November day and rain was beginning fall, so I was feeling a little chilled inside and out.  Why was I waiting?  That seemed to be the question of the day, in the moment, because of the cold drizzle and biting wind.

Then, I watched as a little boy with black, curly hair crossed the street hand-in-hand with his father.  My spirit was lifted at the sight, especially when the boy, about ten years old, came right up, as if he already knew me, and wrapped his arms around me in a warm greeting.  It was a reminder that even when it’s cold and damp, there is always the promise of a coming warmer, brighter day.  The juxtaposition of the warm greeting on a cold day gave me a little pause.  And, perhaps my pause lingered a little longer, because there was more than one little boy there.  There were two!

We were on that particular street corner because it was the prearranged spot to meet our friend Hector Dominguez’s son for the first time.  I was excited for the chance, but I was a little confused when there were two little boys and both of them were referring to Hector as “Dad.” 

“Receiving a loving embrace from one more is a welcome surprise!”  I said to myself as we exchanged some small gifts.

Yet, perhaps the greatest gift received on that day was the additional information learned about Hector.  You see, as it turns out, the second little boy is not Hector’s son at all.  He is Hector’s ex-wife’s son and the half-brother to his son.  Both boys live, most of the time, with their mother and are inseparable brothers.  And, to Hector’s credit, he embraces them both as sons.

We embraced again on another, not too far distant day.  A day met in Hectors warm and inviting home in Astoria, NY.  We were preparing for Christmas.  That’s when more of Hector’s story unfolded.  That’s when I learned that not only was Hector a two-for-one-father.  His mother and father have also chosen to be two-for-one-grandparents.  I call them, “Back-em-ups!”

Back-em-ups are people who love others, just because they have the opportunity and they can.  They’re people who offer unconditional care and love to potential, often unnoticed, “refugees” that live right in front of us and are too often invisible to many.  They give of themselves freely.

They had also given freely, unconditionally to me.  Yet, the sky was darkening, and I wanted to catch a train back to Manhattan, before it was too late in the evening.  So, we were all together near the corner of 29^th Street and 21^st Ave., walking toward the train platform.  It was again, gray and blustery, on a late November day.  It felt as if it was beginning to snow and I felt a little chilled inside and out.  We walked forward, talking, the two little boys, with thick black hair and two of their Back-em-ups.  Our spirts continued to be lifted because of the interaction, especially when the boys, both younger than ten-years-of-age, wrapped their arms around me in a warm farewell.  It was enough to warm my insides clear through, even in the outside cold.

Their innocent warmth filled me with an assurance that really warm, bright days were ahead.  The juxtaposition of the warm farewell, on a cold evening, gave me a little pause as I looked out of the train’s window with a broad smile and a wave of goodbye to the boys and their accompanying Back-em-ups!

“I can be a better Back-em-up!”  I said to myself, as the Manhattan-bound-train whisked me forward toward a life filled with the promise of giving and receiving more love.

Road to a Brighter Future

“A different, more efficient traffic pattern” – Rod McDaniels

Road to a Brighter Future

The snow had melted in my south field, yet I could still see a trail.  It was just a little different in its appearance.  Rather than an indentation in the snow, leaving a packed base of ice, I could see a mix of pressed grass and mud meandering the length of the field from the heated water tank to the hay barn and bull feeders.  This multi-colored winding-way, viewed in warmer temperatures, highlighted its visual form.

“I guess, for steers, the path between two points is not a straight line!”  I said to myself as I leaned on the white fence looking in a southerly direction.

I’d been following that path for most of the winter and hadn’t noticed just how curvilinear it was!  So, I thought about it, how I walked carefully, with my head down, so I wouldn’t slip and fall on the packed, slippery ice while caring for and feeding my furry, Black Angus.  And, I continued to think about it in a different way as I was feeding on another day.

When I scheduled time to catch up with my friend Rod McDaniels, I didn’t know that he had changed his role with the Utah Department of Transportation.

“I’m in the Innovation Development Group now.”  Rod said as we sat in a burger bar for lunch.

Then he went on to describe how he goes about his job of looking for ways to save more lives, while saving tax payers money and improving road quality. I listened intently and with great interest as he talked about how this work has changed his vision of the future.  And, I couldn’t help but draw some parallels between Rod’s task of innovation for our essential-roadway-system and that narrow trail across Salty Shores Ranch.

First, for most of us, the path between two points is not a straight line!  There are lots of reasons for this, but for simplicity, in my trail illustration, as soon as I took the time to look up and see where I’d been, it became clear that I hadn’t been following the most efficient route to my desired destination.

Second, life changes.  I happen to know where the snow drifts across my fields because of the prevailing winds.  That means there are times when my path to the hay barn and bull feeders is changed for efficiency or convenience.  No!  I don’t like to walk through three or four feet of drifted snow when I can simply change my route slightly so I can walk through six inches of snow instead.

Third, a worn path often feels comfortable.  Once I’ve gotten into a trail grove, I begin to think “that’s just the way the world is.”  Sometimes it’s hard to make a diversion from the familiar.  Yet, sometimes there are benefits to be found from doing common things in an uncommon way.

“When we changed the traffic pattern on overpasses and underpasses to facilitate traffic flow and make it more efficient, it confused drivers at first.” Rod explained to me.  “Yet, we’d spent a lot of time and work evaluating traffic models and even going to other states to see how it was working firsthand in much larger traffic markets.  So, we knew the benefits of change would be worth it.  We also knew that it wouldn’t take drivers very long to get used to it and have their ah-ha moment.”

As Rod was talking, the “snow” began to melt in the south side of my mind, as I began to visualize my own experience with what he was describing.  I could see the old “trail” on the over and underpasses in my mind, recalling my reaction to the changed route on my first couple to times through.  It was just a little different in its appearance.  Rather than the same indentation, the well-worn history of driving normality, I remembered seeing a new mix of dashed and solid lines meandering the length of the over and underpasses toward the usual, familiar path of the roadway.  This multi-lined, winding-way, viewed in warm memory, highlighted its new and more efficient current, visual form for me.

“I think I get what Rod does!”  I whispered to myself as we followed our individual paths toward the rest of our workday.

Rod has shown you and me that if we will simply lift our eyes from what has become comfortable, familiar, and look at the way that others are doing the same thing, we might find a better way, a brighter future.  It will likely take a little thinking and observation-generated-warmth to highlight a new way within our minds.  And luckily, my experience with recognizing and embracing positive, life changing innovation has proven its worth!

“Why didn’t we always do it this way?”  I wondered as I finally saw the benefits of the different, more efficient traffic pattern and how it allowed me to go where I wanted to go more quickly.