Turing Your Worst Into Your Best

“My neighbor said, ‘You’re part of our family now.’”

-Alan

Turning Your Worst Into Your Best

“My Mother ran off with my Dad’s best friend and left us!”  My friend Alan said.

As he was speaking, I thought back to my own life and felt a strong tug on my heart.  I could feel my entire body become loose and sort of melt outward from my heart.  The quaver in my friend’s voice signaled strong emotions and I could see water well up in his eyes.

“The day she left us, my next door neighbor called me into her house and said, “Alan, you’re part of our family now!  When we eat, there will be a place set for you.  When we go on vacation, you’ll go with us.” 

“I took her up on it.”  Alan continued.  “She was a good woman and I was very sad when she died.  She was only forty-two years old.”

Sadness can come from many sources.  For lots of people, like my friend Alan, the death of their family is a painful early-life experience.  Luckily there was someone there to help pick up the pieces of Alan’s heart.  Now he’s well into his fifties and has successfully raised a family of his own.  And, perhaps most importantly, his experience has taught him to be one of the most compassionate people I know.

He has reached out to at least a couple of homeless people in our area to give them warmth and food during times when they would have otherwise perished.  His heart pushes him toward doing good when the hearts of others fail.  I look to him as a beacon.

Alan beckons all of us to humbly remember our darkest experiences and turn them to the benefit of others.  Many blame their bad behavior on “their childhood” and use it as an excuse to perpetuate pain and anger.  Alan shows everyone that pain can be used to develop an increased capacity for love and kindness. 

Every one of us has had both universal and unique painful experience.  Both can act to bind us together as humans and as individuals.  Take some time to contemplate how your life experiences make you part of the human family.  Then, open your heart to discover other individuals that can benefit from your distinctiveness.  When you do, your goodness will engulf your whole being and turn your worst into your best.

Faith in Faith

“We didn’t know anyone here, but when we made the decision to move everything just fell into place.” –Rod McDaniels

Faith in Faith

I’ll never forget the first phone call I received from Rod.  We had never met before so it was a sort of “shot in the dark” that we came to meet.  He had just accepted a new job in Salt Lake City, was preparing to move his family and needed some help in finding the right place.

“I can’t believe it’s been three years.” Rod said to me.

We were talking about his work and family.  We were also talking about the scary news we’ve been braving for the last few years.  There is a lot to worry about.  We are seemingly in a continual war and the front seems to be expanding rather than coming to a close.  Now we’re hearing about the Ebola outbreak that is causing even the bravest among us to shudder at a possible global epidemic.  With such horrific news all around us is it possible to live with faith in a bright future?

“You know, when I lost my job in Las Vegas it appeared as if we were in a situation where there was no way out!” Rod painted his picture for me.  “We didn’t know anyone here, but when we made the decision to move, everything just fell into place.”

Now he and his family live in a beautiful home in the Salt Lake City area and his family is blossoming.  “I work with great people.  They’re real sharp and I’m lucky to associate with them.”  He told me.

“Sometimes its hard to have faith in faith.”  I said.  Then I thought about the earlier part of our conversation!  I began to think about the similarities between Rod’s previous position and our world’s situation.  Right now it appears as if there is no way out of the distress we’re facing.  And, human tendency is lose hope, to just sit and try to keep things as they are.  But, that isn’t what my friend Rod did!

Rod hoped for a better.  He had prepared himself in every aspect of his life for success, so he made the decision to think past his familiar life and apply his skills toward a new and potentially brighter future.  In doing so he knew that he was moving away from family and friends.  It was a little scary.

But, he found that his fear was soon overcome as he took his first steps toward a new life.  He found a new job, friends, home and opportunities as he walked forward while relying on his internal compass.  Then he combined these additions to his life with his friends and family still living in Las Vegas.

He looked at me and smiled, “We just got back from my wife’s, sister’s wedding.  It was great to be back with our family and spend time with them.  And, we have a great life here.  We love it.”

There is a lot to love about life, even when we face what appear to be insurmountable challenges.  It is during such times that we need to do what Rod does.  He has faith in faith.

Teeming With Life

“The last time I started a company I tried to do everything myself.  Doing so taught me that I could be much more successful by bringing in the right people to work with me.  This time I’m building a great team from the start!”

-Brad LaPray

Teeming With Life

Brad LaPray is a successful builder of businesses.  I happened to have the good fortune of meeting him not long ago and have been able to spend a little bit of time getting to know him.  He was looking for some specific help so I scheduled a lunch meeting to introduce him to another friend with the “how to” skills he was seeking.

During lunch, Brad talked with us about one of his prior successful companies and said, “The last time I started a company I tried to do everything myself.  Doing so taught me that I could be much more successful by bringing in the right people to work with me.  This time I’m building a great team from the start!”

I was intrigued by his insight and immediately recognized that he knows that, no matter how good a business looks on paper, no matter what he’s accomplished in the past, no matter how smart he is, he will never be as successful as he could be unless there are other people there to help him.  I’ve thought about this over and over again, wondering how to apply this remarkable insight to the personal side of life.

A long time ago I had a personal conversation, with the chairman of my graduate school committee, just before graduation.  He was instrumental in getting me into graduate school as well as changing my academic approach to learning.  Because of my deep respect for him I listened intently to his advice.

“Now that you’re graduating you have a choice to make.” He said.  “You need to decide whether you’re going to seek money or power.”  Then he went on to tell me a story.

He had been consulting for a large company and was called to the CEO’s huge estate for a meeting.  “I walked into the home and was struck by its beauty and size, but what hit me most was that it was empty.  There was no family with him there, and even though we had an amazing gourmet lunch, prepared by his personal chef, I could not help but feel his loneliness and isolation.  And, when it was time for me to leave, this great captain begged me to stay for just a little bit longer so he wouldn’t be bound to his solitary life again.”  Then he said something else that has stuck with me for these many years.

“What ever you decide, make sure you build a strong family and friendships along the way.  Those relationships are what will give you true happiness!”

So here’s the personal side of what my friend Brad has taught me.  No matter how good our lives look on paper, no matter what we have accomplished in the past, no matter how smart we are, we will never be as successful or as happy as possible unless we have others, who have made a personal investment, beside us.

Brad has created a compelling business vision that is allowing him to attract others who believe what he believes.  Smart and talented people are drawn to him because they share his vision.  They are adding their special abilities and know-how to create something truly remarkable.

What are you doing to make life teem around you?

A Miracle in the Making

“Hey trouble maker!”

- Annie Butterfield

A Miracle in the Making

We have a new addition to our household!  His name is Merlin.  My daughter Annie has been searching for the right dog to bring home for a long time.  She was thrilled when she finally found him and that’s when I had “the conversation” with her.

The conversation goes something like this:  “You know that this is your dog and you will be responsible to take care of him.” I said.

“I know.” Was her reply.

As you know, saying you know, before you have experience simply means you don’t have the experience to really know!  Really knowing can only come from experience.  And, responsibility-based relationship experience also provides at least two intertwined life-changers.

Annie brought her little puppy home and I wondered how she would feel about him when she had to begin performing her first life-changer, personal service.  That is, she has to clean up his messes, take him out in the middle of the night, feed and groom him, etc.   In this instance, I was thrilled as I was talking with her today and heard her say, “Isn’t he is the cutest thing ever?”  And, that leads me the second life changer.

In less than two weeks Annie also said, “You’ll never break my heart will you Merlin?” Responsibility-based relationship experience causes us to experience the deepest kind of love a person can possess.  You and I have seen many examples of this, but one of the most touching example from my own life is that of Evan Hansen and his wife.

Evan was a senior chemist at a large company on the East Coast with a thriving career when his wife was diagnosed with a horrible, debilitating disease.  When they received the news, he made the decision to quit his job and move to Richfield, UT so their cost of living would be reduced to the point where he could spend the bulk of his time caring for her.  When they arrived he was able to secure a job that would enable them to live humbly and care for her at the same time.  This job turned into the avenue that would allow us to be introduced.

On multiple business-related lunch or dinner occasions I had the great fortune to sit at the same table as Evan and his wife, where I observed the exact same ritual between them.  Their food would arrive at the table and Evan would push his food aside and scoot his chair up close to his sweetheart’s wheel chair so he could feed her.  You see, she no longer had the use of her arms and hands and she could no longer speak.  So, he would gently use her utensils to painstakingly feed her one spoonful or forkful at a time until she was full.  He would never eat his own food until she was finished.  It is the greatest demonstration of devoted love I have ever witnessed!

Now I am witnessing the same type of miracle all over again as I watch Annie take care of her little puppy.  Her love for him grows deeper with each act of service she provides for him.  It is a miracle in the making.

Every one of us can experience the joy that comes from responsibility-based love.  Would you like to be a miracle in the making?

Influential Things

“We were just talking about the influential things in our lives.”

- Jessi Butterfield

Influential Things

I had been fishing in Dana Point two days ago using sardines as bait.  Now I am sitting in LAX with lots of other people feeling like a sardine myself.  I felt lucky to find a seat while I waited in the commotion and as I began to settle in, my phone rang. I looked at the called I.D. and recognized my daughter’s number.

“We were just talking about the influential things in our lives.”  Jessi said.   “I told Ren what you always said to us about life not being fair.  I’ll put you on speakerphone so you can tell him . . . O.K. go ahead.”

“Ren.  Life is not fair, so don’t expect it to be.”  I replied.

“I told Ren that you would say that every time I would be upset and say ‘It’s not fair.’”  She continued.

“It seems as if you have it imprinted in your mind.” Said I.

“Yes.  It is one of the most influential things of my life.”  She confirmed as our conversation was ending.

The call was finished and I questioningly looked at all of the people surrounding me, wondering what had been an important influence in their lives.  Then I remembered something that had happened just a few minutes earlier on the Hertz shuttle to the airport. 

A young couple from another country had told the driver that they were on Hawaiian Airlines in broken English.  When he got to that stop he helped them unload their heavy bags and was ready to pull away from the curb when he stopped.  There was no one else at the terminal stop.  He parked the shuttle again, opened the door and spent a couple of minutes talking with them.  When the conversation ended, he helped them pick up their bags and they all got back on the shuttle.

I watched the other passengers as all of this unfolded.  Not one person grumbled!

We drove on.  After two more stops the driver yelled out, “American Airlines.”  He pulled over; walked toward the back and helped the same couple unload their bags.  He pointed to the check-in portal and wished them well.  We drove on to my terminal.

Now I’m sitting in that same terminal thinking about life influencers and the Hertz shuttle driver is on the top of my list.  He has no way of knowing it; perhaps the most influential moments in our lives are also some of the most seemingly inconsequential moments; little words of advice or small acts of kindness.  If that’s the case, then shouldn’t we all concentrate on offering others more goodness through the seemingly inconsequential?

The Woman of Compassion

“I just came by to see how your father is doing.”

- A woman of compassion

The Woman of Compassion

A second call was beeping in.  Since it was my sister calling I gracefully told the person I was already speaking with that I needed to call them back.   You see, my sister was calling to give me an update on my father’s health.

At Christmas time he was well and was living in assisted living, but since then things changed at a dramatic pace.  Now he was in a memory care facility and during the previous week he had quickly turned for the worse.  I heard my sister’s voice, “You had better make plans to come and visit.  They’re telling me he has less than a week.”  I drove up to see him twice over the next three days and it was there that I learned that compassion is not just something we feel, it is a skill to be developed.

As I sat talking to my unresponsive father, on my second visit, a woman from his congregation waked in and introduced herself.  She told me a little about her interaction with my father and others in her little flock and showed concern for me as well.  She was there to show love and to offer him encouragement.  I watched.

“Hi Paul, I just came by to see how you are and to let you know we missed you at our meeting on Sunday.  We want you to get well!”  She said as she walked over to the bed and took my father’s hand.  She spoke directly to him in a bright, gentle way, and something magical happened.  His face brightened, he opened his eyes and tried to speak.  They communicated in a way unknown to me before.

Words were spoken, but were not the fundamental means of communication between them.  There was something else, something tangible to be felt there, a result, a skill, a shared compassion beyond my understanding.

She didn’t stay long; but her impressionable compassion has lived on within my father and me.  You see, the next day my sister called me again to tell me that things had changed.  I was expecting the worst.  But, it wasn’t the worst; it was good.

“Dad got up and went to breakfast and lunch today.  He’s doing well.  He has turned a corner!”

Turned a corner?  I remembered the compassionate communication I had witnessed the day before and its warmth swiftly replenished my heart.  The woman of compassion had a healing effect on my father.  And, she taught me a lesson I’ll never forget.  If you and I can learn her skill of compassion we can change our world.

Selfless Pursuit of Happiness

“Even though it doesn’t directly affect me, I want to help.”

Marv Shafer

Selfless Pursuit of Happiness

You know that I write about living an abundant life a lot.  But, there are also destructive forces of abundance that can set in, when integrity starts to falter and cooperation gives way to selfish pursuits.  That happens when a person’s focus is almost exclusively on accumulating more and more without a sense as to what they want to do with their surplus, in what ever form it takes.  There was a time not long ago when I believed that our national culture had almost completely succumbed to destructive abundance, but recent events in my own neighborhood have shown me that selfless pursuits still define the people I live with.

You and I often identify with a culture, we articulate our belonging to a group and align ourselves with a shared set of values and beliefs.  It’s a way of defining ourselves.  For example, you may say, I am an American or I am a salesman.  But, have you ever thought about your belonging and identification as a neighbor?

My friend Marv Shafer called me a few days ago to speak with me about our neighborhood and showed me that the term neighborhood isn’t just a geographic description of a place to live.  Living in a neighborhood means that the residents have all come together to “fit” a particular type of culture.  Being a neighbor means something about the kind of people we are.

“Even though it doesn’t directly affect me, I want to help.” Marv said as we talked.

His words revealed the kind of person he is.  I was proud of our association, as neighbors, and he reminded me that character describes how an individual thinks, acts and interacts.  Neighborhood character is established through the interactions of the people and how they think and act as a collective.  A neighborhood of strong character will have a culture that promotes treating all people well.  When that happens the people in the neighborhood feel protected and know that their neighbors “have their backs.”

So, I thought you and I could assess how we “feel” about our own neighborhoods and what kind of work we’re doing there.  Can we change the culture of our neighborhoods from a “bedroom community” to a place where people love to live and share their lives?  The answer is a firm yes!  You and I are the leaders who decide what kind of environment we want to build.  Here’s how we can do it.

First, build an “inner circle” of neighbors that are close to you.  Give your time and resources to make a difference, one person at a time.  My friend Shelly Dahl takes the time to go door to door to meet face to face with her neighbors to show how much she cares about the issues they face in common.  Inner circles can only form with people who can see and feel each other.  This kind of trust can never be created over a telephone or other electronic communication.  As humans, we need to be able to have the full relationship experience of looking another person in the eye and shaking their hand.  This creates relationships where people will put the interests of their neighbors before their own.

My friend Mark Jackson expressed his deep appreciation for his neighbor who lent him his lawnmower for more than a month while his own was involved in a lengthy repair.  “I’ll never forget it!” He said.

Second, make sure that respect and empathy are valued over wealth, title or skill.  You and I can reinforce and encourage these traits by the way we treat our neighbors as we work to expand our circle of trust.  When I first moved into my neighborhood Traci Randall knocked on my front door and handed me a plate of just baked brownies to welcome us into the neighborhood.  She didn’t know anything about us.  She simply showed us respect by coming and empathy for our ordeal of having just moved.

Finally, recognize that if you live in a “bad” neighborhood it can be changed through good leadership.  You are the leader your neighbors have been looking for.  Don’t gamble that your neighbors “will do the right thing.”  It’s not your neighbors who will set the course if you will assume your leadership role.

If there is an air of suspicion and mistrust with your neighbors, become the example of trust they need.  Sharing is the solution.  Show everyone you live with that you’re willing to share yourself with them.  Great neighbors are the result of collaboration and sharing.  Selfless Pursuit is sharing your ideas and comfortably giving yourself to your neighbors so everyone’s life can be a Selfless Pursuit of Happiness.

Being There for Others

“Because you answer”

-Richard Ure

Being There for Others

One of my favorite definitions of love is “giving someone the power to destroy us and trusting they won’t use it.”  Sometimes we forget there’s a difference between instant gratification and the development of a deep bond between people.  My daughter Annie brought this truth back into my thoughts as I was on a day trip with her to visit the new puppy she had purchased.

We were driving back home after having visited her snuggly little dog.  (He is four weeks old, so we left him with his mother for another three or four weeks.)  As we drove and talked about what a great puppy pick she had made she said, “They’re very nice people.”

As she spoke I thought, “It’s the same in any new relationship.  When we first meet someone, we’re excited, they’re excited, and everything is perfect.  But the trust we need to feel that our associate would watch our backs and help us grow, to really feel like we belong, takes time and energy.”

So, I gave Annie the statement she is tired of hearing by now, “Time will tell.”

The more we’re willing to make ourselves vulnerable around others, the more we will learn to trust them.  I was working with my friend Richard Ure this week when he said, “I know I rely on you a lot, but it’s because you answer my calls.”  He went on to explain that because I answer his calls and fulfill the assignments he asks for help on, he trusts me.  We work together as volunteers to help improve teaching techniques and classroom effectiveness, so everything we do comes directly from our hearts.  And, our work has allowed me to discover a couple to things that increase generosity and trust with those we care about.

First, the more good things we do, the more good we want to do.  I remember walking in Crossroads Mall about thirty-five years ago when I saw a young man running toward me with a security guard in hot pursuit.  The guard yelled, “Stop that man.”

It was a strange thing because after he yelled, the crowd parted to open a path for the fleeing man!  I remember thinking how strange that was at the time.  He was running straight at me, so I took action and threw a body block at him.  He bounced off a display case and continued to run.  “Great, now I need to chase him.” I said to myself.  I then ran him down and delivered him to the security guard.

I felt good having helped, but I felt even better when I was in a bank in the same mall, a couple of days later when an elderly woman said, “be nice to this young man, he’s a hero.”  I’d never thought of myself as a hero before and her kind comment made me feel so good inside that I wanted to act like a hero for the rest of my life!  Doing good leads us to want to do more good.

Second, physical contact demonstrates a sign of our willingness to trust, even more than a signed contract.  Physical contact reinforces the bond we have others and shows our commitment to work together for a common goal.  Until I understood this principle I always wondered why people shake hands or give each other a high-five, fist or body bump.  A simple gesture such as giving someone a gentle pat on the back or holding their hand when they’re afraid goes a long way toward showing that we care and will be there for the other person.  Think of the last time someone gave you a warm handshake and how it made you feel on the inside.  Offering a reassuring touch to those we care about will deepen our relationships in ways we can’t really understand.  It is magical.

Being there for others, deepening our personal relationships, will allow us to be happy.  A study completed in 2011, published in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, showed that people who claim to be happy live thirty-five percent longer than less happy people!

Simply knowing that our friends and family are there for us, just looking at pictures of the people whom we love and who love us, make us feel good and not feel alone.  When that happens, we feel like being there to answer and to do what we can to help them feel the same way.