“I won’t be able to feel her feet anymore!” – Donna Sansbury

Dancing Into the Future

There was a pool of water held in place, behind her eyes as she tried to speak.  She was doing everything she could do to keep that water dammed up, from trickling down the gentle slope of her cheeks.

“I’m sorry.” Donna choked out between halting breathes. “I don’t like to cry in front of people.”

She went on explain that she’d just put her home, of more than twenty-five years, under contract for a sale.  During all of those years, Donna and Larry Sansbury have loved their cottage which is located on a large, tree and grass filled piece of land in the high south.

“I’m filled with memories.”  She continued.  “We had our horses there and we’d ride the trails which crisscrossed our property.  We loved gathering the fresh eggs.”

She stopped abruptly.  Her voice hitched again.  What was once a trickle, soon became a torrent, rushing down her face, toward her feet.

“It’s the garden I don’t know if I can live without.”  She cried.  “I won’t be able to feel her feet anymore!”

Donna and Larry Sansbury’s adult daughter created this particular garden.  She put and left her heart and soul into that, more than simple, vegetable garden.  She surrounded it with beautifully stacked and artfully positioned stones.  So, it’s now Donna and Larry’s garden of memories; holding the precious reminiscence of their now passed beloved.  Donna’s tears were showing her understandable distress of moving away from the physical representations of her daughter.  Yet, her tears also appeared to be tracing a new, flowing path of joy, hope and love across Donna’s face, toward her carefully selected future.

This tracing of memory toward a bright future quickly tickled her mood into brightness.

“Our new place has a wonderful deck.”  She breathed. “It’s looks out to the tops of beautiful hardwood trees.  I love to watch the leaves dance on the wind.”

“That’s good,” I thought.  Because Donna had just told me that Larry wasn’t able to dance anymore.

“I stood behind Larry the other day and watched him labor to walk across the way to his shop.”  She explained.  “He just can’t do it anymore.  It’s too painful for him.  When we’re in our new place we’ll be able to sit together and watch the trees dancing, from our new perch in the midst the trees.”

The pool of water, that had been held in place, behind her eyes as she tried to speak, was gone, because her eyes were now dancing and sparkling.  Just like the tall, beautiful trees she was describing.  This, just commingled remembrance, had led her away from the worry of soon not being to feel her daughter’s feet beneath her own.

No, she won’t be able to feel her daughter’s feet on those same garden stones any longer, but she’s already recognizing the spirit of her daughter dancing in the trees. Because, Donna and Larry have discovered how to interlace their fondest, loved memories into the new branches of their future.

“The harder the conflict, the greater the triumph.”  - George Washington

The Greater Triumph

One of the most perceptibly put-together-people I know, a person seemingly free from inner conflict, offered a glimpse of the “Greater Triumph” during a very personal conversation.

“I just don’t know if I can keep doing this.”  He said.  “I’ve thought about it over and over again.  And, I’ve concluded, I’m going to do what I think is best for me.”

It was a moment of revealed personal torture and decision.  Decision, because his boss had delivered a veiled threat.

“I guess you can do that, but our investors expect you to come into line with their desire not to take any time off.”  His employer had warned.

You see, my friend spends much of his personal time as a mentor to teenaged boys and he was going to take some vacation time to do more.  He acts as a mentor to them, because others did so for him, when he was at this same impressionable stage of life. He has never forgotten it.  Just as I have never forgotten invaluable counsel from George Washington, one of my heroes and posthumous mentors. 

“The harder the conflict, the greater the triumph.”  Mr. Washington once said.

Another plain and simple complimentary truth comes from Brant Hansen, author and radio personality. Brant teaches that all people can use their own innate weakness to their advantage.” 

Wow! As he sees it, we must not shy away from our own inherent weakness because it is our most valuable teacher and is the evidence of essential interdependence. The bottom line here is that we are all weak.  And, where we are personally weak, others are strong. Embracing weakness will bring us to understand our, too often ignored interdependence, if we allow it to.

Embracing the concept of using personal weakness as a pathway toward growth opens the possibility of discovery.  The discovery of an inescapable fork in life’s road. We can choose to be entirely self-reliant, dependent on our natural gifts and abilities, without reliance on others, or we can seek to offer our strength, as well as receive strength, from others around us. 

Accepting strength from others relieves those, who choose the principle of interdependence, from solely bearing often debilitating natural consequences; the often times heavy burden of fully isolating-self-reliance and loneliness. In short, we all need to rely on others who also have our best interests at heart.  And in fact, there will surely be times when all of us will need to lean on the goodness of others during good, as well as bad, times.

Choosing to become a selfless attendant to others is the first key to winning the hardest conflict we will ever face. Here are additional steps to start down this crucial path to victory over self.

Second, we must recognize the flawed basis of remaining fixed in self-sufficiency.  Admitting that we have never been really been operating under our own power is essential in allowing weakness to become our teacher.  If we fail, or are unwilling to do so, we let our own individual pride stand in the way.

Third, we need to make it a habit and priority to offer our gifts to others. As we do, we will be often tempted to do things on own, relying on our own wisdom and power. In such times we must give both big and sometimes, seemingly small offerings to others. Especially as we witness those around us walking through painful, mundane, and often common circumstances in their lives. 

Lastly, we must recognize that relying solely on our own wisdom and judgment is a path to nowhere. A path not allowing the greater triumph described by George Washington.  He knew that the battle to overcome self is the greatest combat one will ever encounter.  That’s why he kept a list, rules of civility, essential virtues, in the forefront of his mind throughout his life.  He made the decision to continually remind himself of that choice, just like my perceptibly put-together friend, who made the same decision to follow his own rules of civility when facing the greater conflict.

There will always be times when each of us is forced to choose what path we’ll take. Will you and I truly face the harder conflict, so we can achieve the greater triumph described by Mr. Washington? 

In the end, each must make the decision on their own.  Yet, we can be there to help each other seize triumph.

“Progress recognized by Brandon Trujillo”

Reminiscing

Perhaps it’s because Brandon spends his days looking for progress in others?  Perhaps it’s because he is looking at someone else and not at himself?  Whatever the reason I’m sure of one thing.  Brandon Trujillo understands the power of reminiscing.

Most of us tend to think of reminiscing as nothing more than the process of immersing ourselves in the hot tub of the past.  When we indulge, we feel warmth flow around our entirety through a happy memory; usually from some event or time in our past.  It’s always waiting for our return.  It welcomes us.  It allures us. Some would say, there are those that accept its welcome too often.

Such dwelling can be called, “living in the past.”  But, none of us have to accept that label in its entirety.  Brandon doesn’t.

Brandon sees and uses reminiscing as a tool.

“It’s a tool anyone can use to their benefit.”  Brandon says. “Sometimes I see myself playing the role of a window for others.  I open a way to remind them of how far they’ve come; progress they’ve made, because they’ve forgotten.”

He does this so many times each day, he’s developed four methods of taping into the power of reminiscing as a tool.

“They’re simple ways to encourage and inspire.  They can help anyone see hope, add to their strength and feel happier.

First.  Remember a time when you were successful in the past.  Make sure to come back to it in detail.  Allow yourself to be in that former time and place.  Make sure you recognize and see yourself as being successful before.  The next step is to remember more than one time.  Doing so will show you that success is common to you.  You’ve done it before.

Second.  Let your reminiscence show you that you’ve overcome hard things, or circumstances in the past.  “I’ve found this to be extremely helpful when I have a client stuck in thinking that their life can’t get better.”  Brandon says.

Third. Combine the effects of your memories to confirm that you’re worthy of success.  Brandon says that almost all people, he knows, tend to begin to think of themselves as unworthy, simply because they can’t see beyond their current circumstance.  They forget that neither time, nor circumstance are static.  They are both ever changing. 

“Time and circumstance are like a river.  Every once in a while, we all need a little push from a hot-tub-like-water-jet to propel us off an obstacle and back into the flow, so we can move forward again.

Finally. Remember the outside view. The power of a friend.  That strength can come from an outsider.  Having a friend point out your progress is key to hope and encouragement.  “Too often, it is the case that we over look our own progress!”  Brandon points out.

Perhaps it’s because Brandon spends his days looking for progress in others?  Perhaps it’s because he is looking at someone else and not at himself?  Whatever the reason, I’m sure of one thing.  Brandon Trujillo understands the power of reminiscing and he’s found a way to allow you and me to begin to use reminiscing as a handy tool in our lives.

Most of us tend to think of reminiscing as nothing more than the process of immersing ourselves in the hot tub of the past.  When we indulge, we feel warmth flow around our entirety through a happy memory; usually from some event or time in our past.  It’s always waiting for our return.  It welcomes us.  It allures us. Some would say, there are those that accept its welcome too often.

Brandon thinks anyone can welcome reminiscing into their life as a tool.

“Use it to encourage yourself.  Use it to offer hope to others.  Just begin to use it now. Use it for positive results and more happiness!”  Brandon suggests.

“My wife pulled me aside and said, ‘It feels as if we’re just living in the same house.’”

– Gary Yarno

Jumping Off Point

“I was doing what I thought I should be doing and didn’t see a problem.” Gary Yarno confided.

At the time, he was working up to one-hundred hours per week, as a fire fighter.  His department seemed to be in perpetual mandatory overtime.  They were required, by a municipality ordinance, to keep each twenty-four-hour-shift staffed, but they just couldn’t find enough people to hire in order to relieve the current battalion. He felt lucky to have a supportive spouse who was taking care of their home and children.  From his point of view, his personal life was in great shape.

It was hard for him to be working such long hours.  It meant he couldn’t attend activities to support his children.  But his wife was there and the kids seemed to be happy.  So, he thought all was well.  That all changed when he came home one day, for a rare evening off, and his wife seized a chance to speak with him privately.

“My wife pulled me aside and said, ‘It feels as if we’re just living in the same house. It doesn’t even feel as if we’re married anymore.  Something needs to change.’”  Gary reminisced with a smile.

He was surprised because he was doing what he thought he should be doing; providing the money they needed.  Money to make their house payment, provide food & clothing, and everything else that comes with raising children.

“From my perspective, as a man, I was doing a great job!”  He said.  “Luckily, I could see the sincerity and love in my wife’s eyes as she spoke with me in earnest.  She wasn’t attacking me.  I knew she was able to see something I couldn’t see.”

So, they talked together for hours and came to the realization that they could make a change if they wanted to.  Gary was in position to retire from his current work as a fire fighter, because he’d put in the years to do so. He had just become of age as well; at a young fifty years.  The door was open for them to construct change.

Their realization of an open door changed everything.  And, the entire family sat down together to study a huge map, while dreaming of possibilities.

“Where do you think we should go for a visit?”  Gary asked each of them.

Then, they made a plan to travel across the United States together, seeking a community they could all love. Their creation of a new life, the one they had all envisioned together, had begun, like a leap off a high-dive.

“We traveled to the four or five areas we thought would be a good fit for us.  Of all those places, there was one we fell in love with! So, we sold our house, packed up and moved there. I didn’t even have a job!  It was a risk for each one of us.  And, we discovered that there are some risks worth taking.”

The Yarnos been living their created dream for just over four years now.

“I never thought about becoming a Fire Marshal when I was a fire fighter, in our old community.  But, here I am!  Everything seemed to magically fall together for us and we discovered that our envisioned future turned out to be a jumping off point.  A leap into something unimaginable.  Our real life is much better than what we had imagined!”

“It all started when my wife pulled me aside and said, ‘It feels as if we’re just living in the same house.’ That was the beginning.  The jumping off point. A discovery that what we had never imagined, could be possible.”

“You can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them” – Shonda Rhimes

Crossing Imaginary Lines

“Are you available to have dinner with me tonight?”  A recognizable voice asked over the telephone, and pronounced through the speakers of the car I was driving.

“Sure.”  I said.  “Where would you like to meet?”

“Where are you now?”  He asked in response.

“I’m driving to Midvale right now.  I have a couple of things to do in my office.  Then, I’ll be available.”

“OK.  How about meeting at 5:30?”

We settled on a location.  I finished my business.  I drove the few minutes to the restaurant.  

Humm, perhaps those last three sentences are drawn within assumed lines.

I mean, many times people tend to create a type of imaginary line between business and things of a “more” personal nature.  And, at this moment I thought I was traveling toward a business meeting.  I couldn’t have been more wrong, as I was about to find out shortly after arrival.

I arrived at the restaurant first and got a table.  It was a table near a bank of windows which shed a warm light.  And, it was also isolated from other customers.  This selection wasn’t intentional, but it turned out to be ideal.  It also made it easy for my companion to see me easily as soon as he walked through the door.

As soon as he came through the door and sat down I could see something was bothering him.  He had a crease of worry across his brow.  It was very noticeable and when he sat with a harrumph his discomfort was magnified.  As soon as he was seated he began to talk of business, but it was just a pretense.  What he really needed was a friend.  

“There is that imaginary line again!”  I thought to myself.  My business associate was struggling to cross that line.  His apprehension to cross that line palpable, so I decided to help.

“Tell me what’s weighing on you.”  I requested. “You know, you don’t have to carry this burden alone.”

I looked at him intently, just to make sure he knew I really meant it.  Then, in about one second, I saw a sign that he had accepted my invitation.  A tear began to slip gently from his left eye; then from his right eye as well.  He began to talk, and cry. We had both crossed a line.

I’d never seen this friend, of more than twenty years, shed tears.  Perhaps it was because we had wasted all that time drawing lines that needn’t be drawn.  Whatever those lines were, they were now, gratefully, erased.  Some other things we also erased.

My friend was no longer shouldering his fears alone.  Moving past imaginary lines allowed us to find understanding and comfort through shared experience.  It was a time of encouragement and confirmation.

He now knew he was not alone and that someone else understood what he was going through.  We were, for the first time, living our lives together.  It was a deepening, enriching experience for both of us.  All because we were brave enough to cross imaginary lines.

Shonda Rhimes once said, “You can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them”

Will you and I be brave enough to cross imaginary lines, so we can discover greater joy and comfort in our relationships and community?

"It's easy to feel between goals, like you are never arriving." – Brandon Sanderson

Brandon’s Small Ways

"My job in part is to look to the future." After all, Brandon Sanderson is the author of more than 70 fantasy novels.  That’s incredible success.  And, it is easy to look at him and think he’s always enjoyed this same success.  But that isn’t the case.

My friends Scott and Allison Salmon talked about this phenomenon with me just last night.  “It’s easy for our daughter, just out of college, to think that we’ve always enjoyed the financial success of the last ten years.”  Scott said.  “We have to remind her of our journey to get here.  We also tell her that our journey continues every day.”

When Brandon speaks of his journey in and after college he gets emotional.  I laughed when he spoke of his journey in college, switching to creative writing after not doing well in chemistry.  That’s because I had a similar journey while taking the inorganic chemistry series in college.  I really struggled in these courses and had to seek lots of tutoring just to make it through.  And, while I completed the course series, I walked away with the realization that while I passed, I still didn’t understand the mathematic and scientific underpinnings.  But I also noticed something much more important.

It was personally revealing when I recognized that the students crushing me, on the grading curve, in chemistry were being crushed by my test scores in history and other humanities courses.  That was one small step Brandon and I share.  And, this prepared Brandon and me to struggle similarly when facing our shared next steps.

“I struggled with knowing what would come next, after graduating.” He shared. Brandon also said he struggled with always thinking too many steps ahead. That’s a struggle many share. Many people fall into the trap of thinking once they've graduated or they’ve gotten their dreamed of job life will be perfect.  Yet, we all have to create our lives one small step at a time through natural progression.

"It's easy to feel between goals, like you are never arriving," Brandon says. "Do something small to make it better."

Here is the additional practical advice Brandon shared.

First, sometimes we don't have any idea when we’ll arrive at our envisioned destination. So, look and improve your life in some small way and when what you tried works, write it down.

Second, try your best to make and keep connections.  In today’s world there are lots of ways to do that.  It can be as easy as sending a text to someone important to you telling them you’re thinking of them.  If you haven’t tried it, you may be surprised at the delighted responses you’ll get back when you do.

Third, write down the bits of your life that bring you joy. “The beautiful moments, yes, and the dramatic ones, but more the quirky, unexpected turns that make this current chapter of the life you are living right now worth rereading," Brandon councils. “Be active in noticing the wonderful moments, not just the broken ones. Because joy, like people, is magnified when it is noticed."

Fourth, balance work and life by connecting with others.  I can remember when social networking was talking, while sitting around a fire.  There are many ways to nurture your personal connections in person.  If you’ll make such connections regular and important you’ll avoid burning out and forgetting what brings you joy.

Fifth, maintain a good support structure by not allowing your friends from school and past jobs to forget you.  My friend Nate Nead left for a weekend with the buddies he grew up with recently.  He said, “We do this kind of activity every year, even though we all live in different states now.  It keeps our connection strong.” To enjoy your journey through life to its fullest we all need to be on that journey with other people.

Finally, be comfortable in who you are while still striving to become better.  When speaking of this last small step Brandon said, “Enjoying the journey doesn't mean you have to accept the current state of things.”

Brandon’s job, in part, is to look toward and write about a created future. After all, Brandon Sanderson is the author of more than 70 fantasy novels.  Perhaps you and I can be the authors of our own dreamed of success by adhering to Brandon’s Small Ways.

“When I look in the mirror I see a miracle.” – Chad Sartell

Miracle in the Mirror

“I was in a coma for about a month and a half.”  Chad Sartell said with firm determination.

When Chad awakened from that coma he ripped the tubes attached to his arms and other places in his stitched-back-together body.  Then, as soon as his feet hit the hospital room floor he was in another crash.  He lay there, on the cold floor, until attending nurses could rush to his aid.

“You’re in the hospital.”  One of the nurses explained.  “You were in a motorcycle crash and have been in a coma.”

“I don’t ride a motorcycle!”  Chad agitatedly shot back.

The medical team lifted him back into bed and connected all of the life saving devices back into his body.  They worked to calm him as best as they could.  He was healing, but it had taken an eighteen-hour surgery to get him reassembled.

 “The doctor removed the C3 in my spine and put an artificial piece in its place.”  Chad explained.  “That was the trickiest part of the surgery.  Most people having that type of trauma don’t live through it.”

Wondrously, he lived through the surgery and afterward he had no recollection of his accident.  

“My wife came in and had to show me photos of the accident before I would believe it!”  He laughed.

That personal and visual visit marked the real beginning of his conscious recovery.

“I was at the mental and physical ability of a four-year-old.”  He reflectively explained.  “I had to re-learn everything.”

And, now he is enjoying his home, learning and searching for the purpose of his preservation and marveling at the second chance he’s received.  We were sitting at his kitchen table when he turned his head and motioned to the hardwood flooring he had installed with his once mangled hands.  Then, his gaze wondered past the floor and freshly painted walls to the deck he had re-built and made into an oasis, where he, his wife and children often sit together.  It’s their place in the trees.  It gives them a lofty view of the wooded ravine and lake a few steps away from their home.

Yet, there are two other views which are, perhaps more inspiring.  The first is Chad’s view of his future.

“I don’t know how I lived through the accident.  And, I don’t know why I lived through it.  I just know that I was preserved for a reason.  So, I spend every day searching for my yet to be discovered purpose!”  Chad explained before he revealed the second view of his future.

“When I look in the mirror I see a miracle.” Chad said with restrained emotion. “I am the miracle in the mirror!”

Do you see a miracle in your mirror?