A Broken Body

Carol Abbott Butterfield

A Broken Body

I have always known that people learn a lot from their parents.  But, it seems as if almost all of the focus, I’m aware of, is how much we learn from our parents during our “formative” years.  These are a person’s young years, generally believed to be somewhere before the age of six or eight.  And, these years are indeed important.  They create a foundation for a person’s life in many, many ways.  But, over the last few years, and especially the last couple of months, I’ve been able to receive a new bolster to my own foundation for living an abundant life.

This new strengthening came upon me in an unexpected way, in an unexpected form.  The form was that of a broken body, my mother’s.

I learned many things from my mother during the course of my life, but perhaps not nearly as much as I learned from her as I saw her wither right before my eyes.  Looking back, I can remember visiting her in the hospital on several occasions as she was being treated for fractures in her spine.  She was in immense and continuous pain for her last four years or so, yet she never gave up hope.  She never stopped working to get better.

When her heart began to fail she could no longer take care of herself.  We surrounded her as a family and provided her with love and the best care we could obtain for her.  Still, she would gasp for breath, desire to do more for her self, and act as if she was just fine.

We all knew she wasn’t, just fine, and felt helpless as we watched her pain increase and her strength drain away.  Had we been able to remove her struggles and make her whole again we would have done so.  But we couldn’t.  She battled on with bravery and encouragement for all to receive.  And I received a lot.  When I visited with her I was constantly amazed at her strength of character.

That admiration continued right up to the night, two days before she passed away.  She and I sat next to each other talking well into the night.  It was just the two of us and of course, she was asking me about the welfare of my three daughters.  We remembered our times together with fondness and she reassured me of her love for all of us.  When I told her that my daughter Kilee was going to have her first child she simply beamed at me and said, “You’ll be a wonderful Grandpa!”  I’ve never seen her so happy.

Unfortunately her life ended a short two days later.  But, the lessons she taught me over her last days, months and years burn bright in my memory.  A broken body could not keep her from teaching me the real meaning of perseverance, internal strength of character, the importance of keeping a healthy sense of humor, optimism, and the value of enduring love.

May we all follow her example by living a life time of formative years!

Wrestling in a Mirror

Two telephone calls from John.

Wrestling in a Mirror

I received a call from a close friend and client just a couple of days ago.  As soon as the conversation began I could tell it wasn’t going to be an easy one.  In fact, after about three minutes of listening, I was finally able to get a calming word in.

I’ve known the caller, John, for a long time and he is one of the most kind and clear thinking people I’ve ever met.  He’s always been a great friend and we have a wonderful relationship.  But, during our phone call his demeanor was much different than it normally is.  My only hope was to simply show him loyalty and love so he could comfortably return to himself.

My experience is that the most difficult struggles we face in life are internal.  I’ve never wrestled with anyone who has given me more difficulty than I’ve given my self.  As I listened to John, I could tell that he was having the same experience.  Luckily, I knew that John is a man of great internal strength.

Internal strength is a hallmark of good character.  It is the beginning of all personal greatness.  It makes right-minded-thinking, morality, good habits and productive life possible.  It is also the catalyst for the development of wisdom and personal wellbeing.  And, at the moment of our conversation, John was truly consumed by worries related to his wellbeing.

There can be no failure when it comes to expressing love to another person.  It is the great softener of hearts.  Showing ordinary love always produces extraordinary results.  The simple act of sincerely offering missing information, giving personal praise and confirming individual loyalty opened the door for John to stop wrestling internally so he could regain his true nature toward the end of our conversation.

As our exchange ended I was filled with an overwhelming peace, wonder and gratitude.  I felt at peace because John was going to be able to accomplish what he truly needed to have happen.  I was filled with wonder because I felt as if I had been wrestling with a mirror.  I could recall so many times when I had lost my own internal strength and felt as if there was no way for me to become my self again.  Finally, I felt tremendous gratitude for the realization that there is indeed no failure when it comes to expressing love to another person, even to your self when you are a mere reflection of the person you truly are.

Doing Right by Being Right

Chuck McCown

Being Right by Doing Right

I got a message from my friend Chuck, “I want to list my factory building for sale or for lease.”

I was grateful that he would desire to work with me, but I was also a little concerned.  You see, Chuck has been dealing with some very difficult challenges over the past couple of years.  I was hoping his request was not the result of a deepening of those challenges and scheduled a time for us to meet.  We soon sat down to talk and I was filled with relief.

Of course, we talked about his building, but we also talked about his personal situation.  My heart was filled with peace as I listened to him describe his path forward.  There was not one moment of anger or disillusion as he spoke.  He had made the decision to live according to his most cherished core values and his strength of character radiated encouragement to me.

I had spent the entire week working with unreasonable people so Chuck’s encouragement was most welcome.  And now, his example was also most appreciated.  His example allowed me to realize that I had been approaching my current challenge in the wrong way!

I had been focused on the fact that I was right!  But this fact was of no consequence to my antagonist.  My conversation with Chuck awakened me to the real issue before me.  My real choice was not one of right and wrong according to reason and law.  I had to choose to live in harmony with my own deep and defining core values or stay stuck and embittered by being right.

One of my deepest, governing values is based on the principle of allowing others to choose their own path, make their own decisions.  When they do so I openly accept their choice and hold no residual malice.  I had been violating my own conscience for a full week and it was causing me to feel awful inside.  Now I knew my internal discomfort was the result of suppressing my own values behind a shield of being right.

Being focused on being right did not allow me to see the larger picture of doing what was right.  The right thing to do is to always live a life true to one’s own best and deepest core values.  So, having my compass firmly reset, I made the decision to be right by doing the right thing.

We are, all of us, constantly making decision as to how to respond to others.  In doing so, asking the simple question, “Am I just proving my self to be right, or am I doing right?” will always allow you and me to feel at peace within ourselves while pursuing peace with others.  Be right by doing right.

Loving Imperfection

“I didn’t really become comfortable with myself until I was able to accept my own weaknesses.” – Josh Cohen

Loving Imperfection

Josh and his brother Matt are in the troughs of starting a new business.  They saw an opening in the market and devised products and services to assist thousands of people to live better lives.  They’ve invested a lot of their own capital and have even raised money through a crowd funding mechanism.  Now they’re getting assistance through Cooperative Venturing and I have the good fortune of working as a volunteer member of their team.

When we starting our work together I made a point of saying, “We know the presentation you’re going to make to us is not going to be perfect.  And, it won’t ever flawless!  Our purpose is to work with you in a way that will enable you to think of things you haven’t thought of yet and to help you get past hurdles you haven’t been able to clear.”  Then our targeted interaction began – there’s nothing like being able to see yourself through the eyes of other people.  It develops deep relationships.

Josh stayed late, after our fourth meeting, so we could talk about the striking discoveries he was making about how starting a successful business is similar to living a successful life.  I wanted to share some of his insights with you.

Josh said.  “It’s been challenging to come to accept that our business is far from perfect at this point.  The Cooperative Venturing process reminds me of the process I’ve been going through in my personal life over the past year.”

“I viewed my personal imperfections as my enemy and I allowed them to make my whole life miserable.  I couldn’t accept that they were simply part of who I was and that I could still love my flawed self.”  He explained.  “It wasn’t until I began to do yoga and meditate every day that I began to face my own personal weaknesses.  It’s been a long, hard process!  But, now I look at my flaws and simply laugh at myself.  I’ve come to understand that life is a process of personal discovery and evolution.  As humans we weren’t meant to be perfect.”

 “Yet, we live in a society where people want to get what they want instantly.  And, to make it even more interesting we’re surrounded by false images of perfection.” I replied.

Our conversation went on for quite a while and covered lots of topics, but here’s how Josh told me he began to live joyfully.

“Fall in love with being human!  When I did this I became comfortable with not being perfect.”  Josh went on to tell me that accomplishing this one thing removed the indescribable pressure and angst he was constantly feeling.  It will do the same for you and me.

“View your imperfections as your charm.”  Josh said, “The world would be exceptionally boring if everyone was perfect at everything!”  He told me we should face our weaknesses and realize they’re part of who we are at this moment.

“Realize that nothing is permanent.”  He said that one of the beautiful things about time is that every moment changes.  “When I discovered that I could release the past and design my future, moment by moment, I found the courage to do life changing things, like start a new business!” Josh explained.

“Live a life of discovery!”  Josh described this by saying, “If you try to live by keeping things the way they are, you’ve already lost!  Time marches on and never stops.  Use time as a tool rather than a harsh school!”

Life can be a harsh school when we don’t understand its purpose and the way it works.  I say that as if I already know all about it.  I don’t!  But, I do know that as we talked and I looked into Josh’s eyes it was easy to love imperfection.  Try loving your own imperfection and see if it brings more joy into your own life!

Putting "me" Into Words

“He spent his whole life giving hugs and loving people.” – Richard Ure

Putting “me” Into Words

I sat across from Richard.  We hadn’t seen each other for a few weeks so I wanted to spend some time catching up with him and I asked him what he’d been up to.

“I just finished building a new apartment in my house for my dad and brother to live in.”  Richard said to me.

I knew he’d been very busy.  At the same time, I didn’t know what it was that was making him so busy and was surprised by his answer.

“How old is your dad?”  I asked.

“He’s 97.  He’s the greatest man I’ve ever known.  My brother is 56 and has pretty much ‘check out.’  He has dementia so his mind is gone.  But!  That’s o.k.  He spent his whole live giving hugs and loving people.”  He went on to say.

It made me think of how some one might describe me toward the end of my life.  Then I wondered what I wanted my life’s description to be and if I’ve devoted enough time to creating it.  Then it dawned on me. 

Since I’m slightly older than Richard’s brother, I’ve already spent what could be considered a “whole live” creating my personal description.  “Hum . . . I wonder how I would put ‘me’ into words and has my purpose in life been clear enough, for everyone who knows me, to use the same words I have in mind as my portrayal?”  I thought.

Every person’s portrayal may change based on varying roles during their lifetime.  And, we are often described by others based on those roles at any given time, son, daughter, business owner, wife, husband, friend, lover, sports enthusiast, student, etc.  And our roles change during different seasons of life.  But, I believe we all have an individual core, something that defines who we really are.

So, when you ask yourself “I wonder how I would put ‘me’ into words” you’re asking something simple, yet hard.  It’s simple because you’ve already spent your lifetime creating the answer to that question.  Yet, it’s hard because when you look very closely, you may not like the answer.  Whether your answer is simple or hard, I suggest that it’s an important question to ask yourself.

Another friend of mine suggested a simple, self-illumination exercise to me a few years ago.  Said she, “I want you to commit to ask the people you’re working with why they chose to work with you and then come back and report their answers to me.”  It was a hard commitment for me to make because I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear their answers!  But, I made the commitment and asked the question.  The results changed my view in an unanticipated way.

I invite you to complete the same exercise with a small twist.  Will you commit to ask the people who know you best, ‘how would you put “me” into words?’  I hope the results will change your view so you’ll be able to sculpt your future into one of anticipation, hope and peace. 

I look with anticipation to hear those who love you say, “They are the greatest person I’ve ever known & they spent their life hugging and loving people.”

Be a Social Entrepreneur

The vision of one entrepreneur

Be a Social Entrepreneur

“You just have to see some things for your self.”  I said to myself as I was receiving a day tour of North West Arkansas communities.

You see, it was nothing like what I had imagined it to be!  The airport was very functional, well designed and modern.  The town square was filled with people who were enjoying each other, restaurants and an amazing farmer’s market.  Its gracious offerings and quaint feel caused me to wonder, “Why doesn’t my own community have this same gregarious, vibrant and secure feeling?”

I don’t know all of the answers, but I believe I know one of the answers and it has to do with the vision of one entrepreneur.

I’m not an expert in the history or the people of Arkansas and I don’t pretend to know them very well at all.  But while there, in the heart of Bentonville, I could come to only one conclusion.  One entrepreneur opened the door for all of this to happen.

It was the vision of one man and his ability to create a business and perhaps just as importantly pass his vision on to an army of hundreds of thousands of business partners that transformed an existing community, the one he clearly loved, and extended its reach to large parts of the world.  His purpose has changed the lives of thousands as well as generations.

So, now that I’ve seen a little larger part of what Sam Walton accomplished by focusing on his purpose I have to ask myself, can there be any doubt that when a person really understands their own personal passion and works with others to bring it into reality something magical happens?  Here are the just some of the benefits I observed:

First, many small towns have boarded up main street establishments.  But that is not the case in Bentonville and its surrounding communities.  Hundreds of small businesses have sprung up to give products and services to the many well paid residents.

Second, I noticed that the people were comfortable.  What I mean by that is that they are happy and productive.  There is no cloud of economic gloom weighing down these communities.  There is a healthy, bright view of the present and the future.

Third, the town is filled with public enhancing amenities such as the privately held Crystal Bridges Art Museum, which houses the largest privately owned art collection in the world.  There is a children’s discovery center that is filled to the brim with exploring kids.  And, there are huge privately held wellness centers where individuals and families can go for exercise, classes and companionship.

The companionship that strikes me, as most desirable, is the clear combination between purpose based entrepreneurship and strong, vibrant communities.  It is something I have seen for myself.   I believe that entrepreneurship based communities can be built. 

As you and I transform ourselves by examining and following our passions, we will be transforming our communities and the others who live in them as well.  It is the only combination that truly defines the term social entrepreneurship.  Social entrepreneurship means doing what you love, in your very best way and working with others to transform industry, services and the communities we live in.

The Terror of Oppportunity

“This is so weird and terrifying.” – A friend

The Terror of Opportunity

The instant messaging ping went off on my phone.  I looked down at it and was surprised.

“I’m so afraid right now!” Focused my attention on the screen!

New words flashed.  “I’m really scared right now.  That was my best shot!”

I answered back, “Nothing you can do right now.  You are right there to help everyone. Just be there for them.”

“Yeah, I’m just freaking out!”

That’s when I needed to say something else, something that would change everything.  So, I said, “Don’t!  It is a huge opportunity for you.  View it that way with confidence!”

“This is a nightmare!”

“No!  This is an opportunity!”

There wasn’t more time to talk at the moment.  My friend was doing all she could do and I knew it.  I also knew that I needed to help her shift her view from a vision of terror to a vision of opportunity!  A large part of her future was going to be based on how she faced her current circumstance.  She could give up and run, or she could take a long hard look to see that while this appeared to be a bad turn of events it was really opening a door that would other wise not be opening to her.  I wanted her to open the door to opportunity!

I’ve been through this process many times in my own life.  In fact, “bad things” had happened to me so many times that I just began to expect them on a regular basis.  It began to be my natural view of the world.  It had become a habit.  But, I didn’t recognize it until my friend Spencer Shaw said one day, “Oh, come on Eeyore.”

Eeyore is a character in the Winnie-the-Pooh books by A. A. Milne. He’s generally characterized as a pessimistic, gloomy, depressed, old grey stuffed donkey that is a friend of the title character, Winnie-the-Pooh.  I’ve never been a fan of the Eeyore character so I wanted to change.

My desire to change allowed me to consider other options for how I viewed the world.  That’s when I learned to understand that there were optional views available for everyone.  I also began to see that the point of view I personally selected directly affected my actions.

When I chose to see challenges as opportunities my ability to deal with them also changed.  So I began to practice seeing opportunity all around me and when I did, I started to feel more peace and hope inside. 

I’m making it sound as if this was an easy change for me.  It wasn’t.  I’ve had to focus on changing for many years and there were times when I wondered if I had made any progress at all.  Then.  A few years later I was talking with Spencer again.

He said, “You’ve changed.  I’m proud of you!”

That’s when I finally felt as if I had become a new person, a person much closer to the person I had been trying to create.  And, I wanted to make a difference for a friend feeling hopeless terror.  So, we talked on the phone at the end of the day.

She said, “Toward the end of the crisis my boss took the time to come in and talk with me. She asked how I liked working there.  I said, ‘I couldn’t imagine working anywhere else.  These people are my family.’”

Then she went on to say that as soon as those words had passed her lips, her boss looked at her and said, “Today’s circumstances have confirmed that we don’t want to lose you, so we’re creating a new position for you!  Would you like that?”

It was at that moment that her terror had indeed been replaced with the cloaked opportunity.   I could hear it in her voice!  She is excited to more forward with confidence and feels much more able to chose to see new opportunity all around now.

We all feel very afraid at times in life.  When you do, practice seeing opportunity.   See what doors it will open for you!