You Can Make New Music

“You have to work on changing yourself.  It may not be easy, but it can certainly be one, and it works.”

Rabbi Daniel Lapin

You Can Make New Music

When I was a young boy my parents enrolled me in lessons so I could learn to play the piano.  I practiced a little, but I wasn’t committed to the result of being a competent pianist.  I don’t remember how long I took the lessons, but I remember I was thrilled when my teacher told me she was no longer going to be teaching lessons.  It seems as if her husband was fine with her teaching students that played well.  But, his opinion differed when she taught students such as me.  He couldn’t stand another day of listening to her worst students plunk away at his expense.  In reality my lack of commitment and skill was at my own expense.  I put off learning an important lesson. The real lesson I was supposed to be learning was that I could improve myself through learning, understanding and practice.

Many years later, I had children of my own and wanted them to learn to play the piano. I enrolled them in piano lessons.  They didn’t enjoy it much and they didn’t like to practice.  I saw so much of myself in them that I looked on it as an opportunity to make up for my own deficiencies by taking lessons along with them.  It gave me motivation to learn and practice hard!

I was seated at my piano in my home one night practicing “She’ll be Comin’ Round the Mountain.”  I played it over and over again trying to make my fingers make movements to create music.  I went over it time after time so I could make it perfect.   After some time, my wife came around the corner and said, “How many more times will she be coming round the mountain?” I had finally learned one of life’s most important lessons!  Practice is how new material becomes part of you.  It is how we become a better, changed person.

Now after all these years I’ve found that this lesson continues to apply in almost every area of my life.  I’ve known for a long time that I needed to develop some new work habits so I could improve my performance.  I finally got the internal courage to make a commitment to change and began to move forward.  It hasn’t been easy because it’s hard to make permanent changes over night.  I’ve failed a lot.

The first time I failed, I felt discouraged and began to lose my faith.  As I thought about it more and more I began to hear music in my head.  It went something like this:  “She’ll be comin’ round the mountain when she comes, she’ll be comin’ round the mountain when she comes!   I have a lot more practicing to do before the change becomes part of me and the new music comes from the inside.  But, I know with continued practice it will all come together.

It can all come together for you too.  If you have some things you’re working on so you can change your life, just remember these same three steps; learn, understand and practice.  If you give it a try it won’t be long till she’ll be comin’ round the mountain for you too!

Qualities of Mind

“There is little doubt that Happiness circuits are highly suggestible, and that they are transformable through intention and effort.  They are among the most plastic circuits in the brain.”

Miriam Boleyn-Fitzgerald

Qualities of Mind

I was talking with a friend regarding his children the other day.  He was lamenting the verity that they were unhappy and lacked motivation in every aspect of their lives.  One, a daughter, had all but given up her life and had returned to their nest rarely choosing to leave her small bedroom.

When I say she had given up her life, I mean that she had given up almost all the good that had existed in it.  She had received a good education and had excelled in her classes, she had great friends, upon graduation she received a good job and she also enjoyed good health.  In fact, if one looked at her life from the outside, it was almost impossible to conclude anything except that she was the recipient of great happiness.  But, a closer look would have revealed a different conclusion.

She is lacking, as so many of us are,  life skills such as regulating negative emotions, cultivating positive ones, and building and maintaining healthy personal relationships .  Such skills correlate more closely with happiness and life success than any standard measure of academic or financial performance.  A person’s capacity to cooperate, ability to regulate personal emotions, and capacity to focus attention on such skills is far more important for life success than one’s IQ or grades.  Miriam Boleyn-Fitzgerald calls these attributes, “qualities of mind.”  

Sadly, I find these qualities to be missing in my own life from time to time.  When this is the case I begin to feel lost, alone and hopeless.   So, I have begun to wonder if critical traits such as compassion and empathy are trainable and if I could change my life through practice; if so, it would have transformative implications for how I prepare myself and my loved-ones for the long emotional road ahead.

In searching my mind for the answer, I was reminded of the story of Mingyur Rinpoche, the author of “The Joy of Living.” As a young child he was hardly happy.  From the time he was seven or eight until he was thirteen, he experienced severe panic attacks, despite growing up in a loving family and nurturing spiritual community.  He believes that if he had lived in a Western society, he probably would have been diagnosed with a childhood panic disorder.

An emotional shift for him came as a young teenager during a three-year meditation retreat.  At first his panic got worse, and he found himself caught in one debilitating anxiety attack after another.  He describes that first year on retreat as one of the worst of his life.  He became so deeply unhappy, he says, that he “really decided to apply mediation training.”  At one point he confronted his panic alone in his room for several days, using it as a support for his meditation.  After an intensive period of applying what he had learned from his teachers, to relate to his powerful emotions not as his “enemy” or his “boss,” as he puts it, but as his friend, the panic was gone.  Since that time, he has not experienced another attack.

His story has given me renewed hope; we can train ourselves to live happily by practicing life changing qualities of mind such as compassion, empathy, kindness, gratitude, and capacity for love.  We can be happier and more successful by transforming ourselves through intention and effort; becoming increasingly aware that the cultivation of positive emotions is vital to draw a map of personal happiness free from suffering and the causes of suffering.

Hearing Words and Learining Anew

“Did you learn something this morning?”

Bonita Hutchison

Hearing Words and Learning Anew

Bonita asked me if I learned something last Thursday morning.  I said no, but then stopped and said, “I need to think about it for a while.”  This is the perfect example of how I’m just beginning to learn from, and be always amazed, at the difference between hearing something new and learning something.  I used to think they’re the same; but they’re not!  Since I discovered the difference between the two, I've learned to take some time to think about what other people say before simply giving a flat "no" when asked if I learned something.  So rather than giving Bonita a flat “no” I spent time over the past few days rehearsing the presented words through my thoughts and as a result, have discovered at least two important things as a direct result of the seminar we attended.

First, the thing I love about being involved with Special Olympics is that it provides me with an active role to fulfill one of my core personal values and desires.  It allows me an avenue to stand up and be an advocate voice for others that don't have the ability to be a strong voice for themselves.  Helping other people gives my life significance.  Volunteering with nonprofit organizations such as Special Olympics Utah allows me to work with like minded people on behalf of others who may need some protection from predators and a hand up to become their best selves.  Aren't we all in a race to become the best people we can become before our time on life's stage comes to a quick end?

Second, I have known for some time that having fun is an important aspect of life.  But, I have the type of personality that drives me to work hard constantly.  It's almost an unquenchable thirst to work until I drop.  Too bad for me and others like me!  The presenter on this particular morning offered me the chance to live a better, more fulfilling life by demonstrating that at least as much, if not more, can be accomplished by breaking the shackles of being a drone-like-work –statue, to drink deeply from the fountain of friendship by having fun while enhancing relationships.  This is a trait I am thinking about more and more as I age and ponder what has meaning in my life.  Because of her words, I’m now motivated to spend more time internally so as to seek the fun person I know is hiding in there.  I'm excited to give the world a chance to meet that person soon.

No, I didn’t hear anything new during this terrific seminar, but I'm glad I went so I could once again discover that hearing old words can be an important catalyst to learn new things.   I may have allowed this opportunity to pass me by if my friend Bonita hadn’t prompted me with one of the best questions ever asked me; “Did you learn anything new this morning?”  I'm real glad to have her as a friend and wanted you to know how much I admire her.  Thanks so much for being part of my life and for making a difference in it!  Let’s all go out and make a difference in the lives of others today.

Turning Loss Into Victory

“I receive some criticism at work and I feel discouraged about it.”

Turning Loss Into Victory

“I’d like to talk with you when you get a minute,” said the email on my computer screen.

I’d never received an email like this from this friend so I replied immediately.  “Sure,” I typed, “I’ll come to your office tomorrow.”

When I arrived at my friend’s office we shut the door and I looked across his desk to see his face’s darkened countenance.  He was clearly hurting.  My heart went out to him; I’ve had such feelings of self doubt myself on occasion.

“I’ve never had someone complain about my work before.” He said.  “They said they were only trying to help me.” He continued.

“I know how much this kind of thing hurts.” I replied.

We continued to talk for a few minutes.  My mind went back to an occasion early in my career when I faced similar challenges.  I remember how lost and discouraged I felt.  I was doing the best I could then, but I lacked the experience to get as much growth from it as possible.  I was hoping my friend could have a better outcome than mine.

“I think we can turn this to your advantage.”  I said.  “What if you embrace the criticism and view it as an opportunity?”

We talked more about viewing this as an opportunity for personal and professional improvement.  In fact, we outlined a couple of steps he could take to turn the tide to his favor.  After a few minutes we were both feeling happier and more confident.  The truth is that my friend is really successful in his work.  He just needed a little support during his time of personal examination.

It’s good for each of us to take some time to examine how we can improve ourselves.  What I learned from my friend is that self improvement doesn’t have to be done by one’s self alone.  It felt great to be a part of his success when he came to me in a couple of weeks and told me how well he was doing.  He had turned his lost confidence into personal and professional victory.  I knew he could do it and you can too.

Let a good friend give you some extra support when you need it.  It will make your victories sweeter, your losses more bearable, and your lives more fulfilling.

The Fifteen Second Boy

A small boy doing a big thing

The Fifteen Second Boy

I imagined that I felt like a gopher who had been underground working in his tunnels all day as I walked up the long stairs of the Huntsman Center to take a dinner break.  Perhaps one big difference is that I was happy to see the light streaming through the windows.

It refreshed my spirit and brought me comfort as I saw the light and felt its warmth touch my skin as I sat near a window to eat with my friends.  The window was huge and made the world outside seem to be on display for my personal interest.  It’s amazing to me how just taking a few minutes to stare out at the world can be so soothing.  It allows me to see things from a detached perspective that I can’t get when I’m out interacting in it.  Perhaps it’s because I can simply observe the world and really see what it is offering moment by moment.

This was one of those moments.  I was watching a man in a wheel chair begin the long climb up a steep sidewalk to the building in which I sat.  He was struggling to make small progress and I felt prompted to leave the perch of my live television view to help, when out of the corner of my eye I saw a young boy run over and enter the scene.

The Boy was no more than ten years.  He was agile and happy as he joined the push of the wheel chair.  I watched him push and then redouble his efforts as he added his strength to the most difficult part of the hill conquering effort.    It wasn’t a big, hard task for him and it didn’t take more than fifteen seconds before the pair crested the hill.

It then took him about two seconds to give a big heart felt goodbye and a wave as he ran off to join his family again. 

When he arrived, he reached over and took his father’s hand and skipped ahead never giving his generosity a second thought; it was no big deal for him.

I continued to watch the man in the wheelchair; the boy’s help was a big deal to him.  He was smiling broadly.  His strength was restored and he was floating along in a way he wouldn’t have been able to without the kindness of a young boy.

It was time for me to go back to work and I had renewed strength to push my own chair away from the table and began to walk out of the room with the view.  I don’t know if anyone else saw what I saw, but that doesn’t matter.  I felt better inside and committed myself to take an extra fifteen seconds to help others in need whenever I see a chance.

Do you have fifteen seconds to spare?