Playing it Safe

“Sometimes we try to make people too safe.”

-Dayna Hurst

Playing it Safe

My friend Dayna Hurst provides eldercare, planning and implementation consulting for underfunded Catholic Religious Communities throughout the United States.  She has wonderful stories to tell about how many of those she has served have accepted change into their lives at a time when most would believe that change is impossible.  I enjoyed one such story last night while eating dinner with Dayna and her husband Cliff.

Dayna has made amazing progress related to improving the quality of life for the elderly, especially for those in care facilities.  One of her successful initiatives involves taking the elderly out on over night trips so they can be rejuvenated through play and a change of scenery.   On one occasion she called the son of a client who was ninety-nine years old to ask if his mother could participate in a short trip.

“We called and asked her son if we could take his mother on an outing and he gave us an emphatic no.  He said, ‘She isn’t well enough to go on an overnight trip.’  But we didn’t give up and he finally agreed to let us take her out for the day.”

Dayna went on to tell me the rest of the story and the lesson I learned was so valuable I wanted to share it with you.

“This ninety-nine year old woman’s daughter came to our chosen destination to make sure that her mother was safe and sound.  When she saw her mother playing basketball she broke into tears!  She said, ‘My mother played basketball in high school and I never thought I would ever see her play!’  When their mother has passed, they created a special fund to help pay for such activities!”

I sat memorized as Dayna talked and when she ended this revealing story she said, “Sometimes we try to make people too safe.”

Perhaps it’s just me, but I felt a whole lot of encouragement knowing that a woman who was ninety-nine years old still had the spunk to go out and unusually do the usual.  It made me wonder and think about the usual things I no longer do just because of the personal labels I’ve placed on myself.  Dayna’s remarkable story set my mind in motion with wonder and possibility.

Perhaps you and I should encourage each other to do the unusual and celebrate when it happens.  Doing what we love is possible no matter our age.  Being unusual in doing the usual will allow us to simply play and no longer follow the dismal path of playing it safe! 

The False Idea

“I didn’t think anyone would have thought of that!”

- Andrew Jakus

The False Idea

My friend and client Andrew is a successful entrepreneur.  He operates several businesses and specializes in retail outlets.  He’s real good at getting a business up and profitable within a short period of time.  I’m helping him open a new location now.

We just selected the building for his new location and we’re finalizing some details in preparation for opening.  As we were doing so, not long ago, he was talking with me about an idea he had for the opening.  And, as he explained it to me a persistent tickle started in the back of my mind.

I just couldn’t shake the feeling that his was not a unique idea.  I thought and thought and then as I was driving on my way to another appointment, I happened to cruise past a building that caused me to recall what my mind was searching for.  So, when I had a minute, I picked up my phone and called Andrew to tell him that I remembered another business was doing exactly what he had described to me.

“I didn’t thing anyone would have thought of that!” he said.

His statement caused me to solidify a simple, yet critical, part of life and business as it brought to my memory an experience with another friend more than fifteen years ago.  It’s so important that I wanted to share it with you.

My friend has the last name of Wilde.  She thought she was going to be able to change the world and called me because she knew my business was venture capital.  She asked if she could come to talk with me when she was in town.  Of course I was happy to meet with her.

When she came in to discuss her business, she started out immediately with her selected name, “Wilde Ideas.”  Then she described in detail about how great she was at coming up with ideas.  Her enthusiasm was contagious, but I knew she would fail and I told her so.  I don’t think I have ever seen a sadder face in my life.  I had crushed her.  But, I did it in a kind way to protect her because letting her continue would have be much more devastating.

She, unlike my friend Andrew, started with the “false idea.”  It is the mistaken belief that an idea is everything.  It is all you need to be successful.

Don’t get me wrong.  Ideas are very important and ideas can and will continue to change the world.  They just don’t change it in the way that many people think they do.  In order for an idea to change the world it must rely on stakeholder momentum and operational expertise.

I say momentum because an idea stuck inside of a person’s mind will never leave it.  So, it must have a means of leaving the mind to get out into the world so it can be communicated and shared. But, once shared, it must be transformed from an idea into reality.

That transformation can only occur through a person, or a group of people, that can create and implement its physical counter part.  This is what separates a dreamer from the doer!  Doers change our world.

You and I can change our own circumstance and the world as well.  We just can’t start with the “false idea.”  Know that your good ideas are only a seed and that you’re the only one who can create the momentum to extract your best ideas, from within your mind, and then implement your plan to transform them into reality.

Calm Ends the Storm

“The right people always show up just when you need them to.” – Shawn Holste

Calm Ends the Strom

At first I thought it was one of those regular monsoonal summer storms.  You know the kind we get here in the high desert?  I always expect them to roll through in July.  They’re usually a welcome sight as the afternoon begins to gray and there’s a little bit of cooling to usher in the damp relief to follow.  All of that, and more, happened on this particular day.

What didn’t happen was a normal monsoonal rain.  This was a full-blown storm of hurricane strength.  I could tell it was different, almost from the beginning.  The roof on my house began to creak and my windows bowed.  When I looked out, my trees were whipping like a kitchen-aide blender in the process of puffing out a meringue topping.

But, I didn’t begin to see the real topping left by the storm until the next day.  One of my trees had its largest branch snap.  I stood not far off and saw its once green leaves withered and drooping on the fence to the side.  It needed to be fixed, so I got my tree saw out, cut its last attached fibers and took it to my woodpile for further trimming.  It was just the kind of thing I expected from such a strong winded tempest.

What I didn’t expect was a call regarding a home I had just sold.  The storm was more than just wind.  It brought lots of rain and some how, the driven rain had pushed its way through the roof and into the garage.  When I arrived it was one of the strangest sights I had ever seen.

The roof was in tact and all looked well.  But, when we looked inside of the garage we could see the clear signs of trailing water; water where it shouldn’t ever be.  I called people I know who help me with such things and we looked at it together.  We couldn’t figure it out or duplicate it!  Then I remembered Shawn, a builder I had just met and how I had been impressed with his knowledge and expertise so I gave him a call.  He had come highly recommended to me from a trusted friend.

I gave Shawn a call and he came over to look at the problem.  He worked on it for a few days and then called me with the solution!  It was a solution that ended more than a mystery.  It also ended the storm.  Its dark clouds had finally passed.

When I passed my gratitude on to Shawn by saying I was so grateful to have his help and that I had met him at just the right time he replied, “The right people always show up just when you need them to.”

He certainly showed up at the right time to help me.  And, he also reminded me that we are all givers and receivers.  We can all show up for others just in time.  When we do, we do so as the calm that ends the storm.

The Exception, not the Rule

A conversation with my sister, Paula

The Exception, not the Rule

It’s nice to meet me?

No.  I’m not asking if you think it’s nice to meet me!  What I’m really asking is:  Have I really met myself?

Yes.  I know what I look like.  But, what I’m talking about is whether I really know who and what I am on the inside.  Do I feel comfortable enough with myself to be able to walk my own path or am I trapped on a path I think others want for me?  Am I doing what I perceive will give me prestige or what someone else expects of me?  I’ve found that truly getting to know oneself can be a long and sometimes painful experience.

When I started college I thought I knew who I was and what I wanted to do.  It wasn’t until I began to take classes that were required of me in my chosen course of study that I began to take notice of my strengths and weaknesses.  I don’t know of anyone who enjoys learning about his or her weaknesses.  But, life has a way of introducing both personal weakness and personal strengths to us.

It took me more than one year of constant struggle in college before I began to notice that the people who were at the top of the curve in chemistry and math, those I couldn’t compete with, were the ones who found themselves in the same dilemma in other classes with me.  My scores were highest in English, history and other social science types of study.   It wasn’t that I couldn’t do the other work it was just that it wasn’t my best work.

When I finally figured out what I did my best work in, it was an extraordinary opening.  It allowed me to spend my time doing what I liked and helped me to begin to make a greater difference in the world around me.  And, perhaps just as important, it allowed me to view my weaknesses in a way that allowed me to begin to search for ways to compensate.

When I say compensate I mean I began to allow other people to help me where I’m not strong.  Now I’m genuinely grateful that other people are real great at what I can’t do! 

“Your son Michael could spend ten lifetimes trying to teach me how to be an extraordinary carpenter.”  I said to my sister Paula.  “But, no matter how hard I try.  No mater how long I work, I could never be as good at it as he is.  I will never be able to produce the beautiful things he can make!  My weakness does, however allow me to admire and appreciate the depth of his talent all the more.” 

So, if you’ve ever struggled with discovering who you are on the inside and what you should do with your life, here are three aspects of getting to know yourself that have helped me. 

First, spend time discovering what your strengths are.  There is no right or wrong answer to this question.  The answer just lies within you.  The universe is a place of infinite diversity and beacons all of us to embrace our uniqueness.  Are you listening and observing its call?

Second, make a note of your weaknesses.  I’ve found that when I compensate for my weaknesses by combining with others the results are magnificent.  My life is enriched by the relationship and I always get an outcome I could never have achieved on my own.  

Finally, enjoy and express feelings of appreciation.  When you are the recipient of someone else’s talent let them know how much their gift means to you.  Everyone feels great when others tell him or her they’re admired and appreciated!  You know what I mean.  It’s happened to you.  We all like to feel as if we’re exceptional, admired, loved and appreciated!

Let being exceptional happen to you!  See how you’re exceptional.  Let the exceptional talents of others make up for your weaknesses. Enjoy exceptional feelings of appreciation.  Live an exceptional life.

A Strange Compliment

“You are a kind and patient man.” – A Stranger

A Strange Compliment

It felt as if there were people everywhere!  I was stuck in a line that seemed to never end and it hardly moved.  I looked to my left and to my right. There was nowhere to turn.  I was hemmed in by steel and flesh.  Everyone was a stranger.

I’ve always thought there was pleasant anonymity in being surrounded by strangers.  So, when my phone beckoned I didn’t hesitate to answer it.  After all, I didn’t know anyone around me and I had at least an additional twenty minutes to wait in line.  The only thing I was worried about was if the ice cream bars in my shopping cart would melt before I could even pay for them.  At least that’s what I thought until the caller began to speak.

The person calling me was agitated from the moment I answered the call.  It wasn’t a hostile conversation, but I spent most of the call trying to be calming, help the other person and make progress toward a solution.   Our exchange would sort of calm down.  Then it would escalate again and I would reach out in soothing words once more.  This process went on for about a half hour until we had come to an ending point and I touched the screen of my phone to end the call.  It had been a worrying and frustrating process for me and I supposed that no one surrounding me had even paid attention.  But someone had!

The woman in front of me was just finishing her checkout process.  She was about to walk away with her groceries when she turned to me and said, “You are a very kind and patient man!”

I replied awkwardly and with a surprised look on my face, “Thank you.”

What I really felt was a relief wash over my whole body.  Her words completely wrapped me in a shield of comfort, washing the stress of the phone call away.  It was a feeling I’ll always remember?  So, I turned back to her.

“Thank you for saying so.  You’ve made a huge difference. Your words mean the world to me.”

Then, she smiled and replied. “I just felt prompted to say it to you, so I did.”

I smiled back.  She walked away with her full grocery cart.  I walked away with a full heart.

I’ve held this experience in my heart for just over two weeks now and I’ve wondered if I should share it with you.  As you’re reading it, I clearly decided to share it, because knowing you and I can have an amazing impact on a stranger is something we should all keep in mind.

Moving Forward by Stepping Back

“I’ve been working on this four years.  It seems as if I should be getting rewarded by now!” – Mark Jackson

Moving Forward by Stepping Back

My friend Mark was talking to me about one of his particular goals via text. 

“I’ve been working on this four years.” Lit up screen.

Mark’s frustration was blazing right in front of my eyes.

“It seems as if I should be getting rewarded by now!”  My screen flashed next.

He went on to tell me how much he had accomplished over the last four years, yet he couldn’t seem to accept his own accomplishments.  It made me hurt inside for him!  So, since that conversation, around one week ago, I’ve thought about it over and over again.  And, I resolved to understand what was really at the heart of his irritation.

You and I both understand being irritated at not reaching the destination we have worked so hard to achieve.  And, I’ve discovered that perhaps the greatest challenge of any journey toward any destination is the need to feel progress.  When we feel as if we are making progress we are encouraged to press forward.  When we feel as if we aren’t making progress we begin to lose hope quickly and are often persuaded to quit.  That’s how Mark has been feeling.  He doesn’t see his progress.  But there is one other key I recently discovered.

Mark has done what all of us have had to do from time to time.  He stepped back.  He took steps away from his goal so he could regroup and then charge forward again.  But, now he feels as if his step back to gain strength is a symptom of being stuck.

I can see the strength he has captured and that he is really moving forward.  Gathering strength is not the same as being stuck in the same place.  It’s part of the process of moving forward!  If you think about it, you can see evidence of this concept all around us.

The evidence that strikes me most is that of becoming acclimatized.  When seasons change the weather seems either way too cold or way too hot.  But, by the end of a season our bodies have adjusted so the deep colds or the high heats don’t affect us so much.  Notice that this changing is an ever-going process.

 We feel cold so we backtrack to the house to get a coat or jacket.  We feel hot, when summer comes on, so we backtrack to the house to drink more water and wear lighter clothing.  It’s the stepping back that allows us to be prepared to face what life will throw at us next!

It is the stepping back that allows us to regain our strength and to carry on toward our destination.  So, you might say, you and I can only move forward by stepping back once in a while.  Knowing this, and keeping it in mind, will cause a shift in our thinking so that rather than feeling stuck we can see stepping back for what it is, a strengthening, and an essential part of forward progress!

Compliments

“It was all because I stopped to give a sincere compliment.” - John O’Donnell

Compliments

“I can give you the garage code.”  John said as he walked me toward the garage that was no longer to be his soon.  “I’ll also give you the key to the front door.”

I watched as he carefully tapped the numerical buttons so he could show me that the door would open when he used the code he had given me.  Then we walked up the five steps to the front door.  He pulled up the doormat.  I reached down and got the key.  It was then that he smiled and asked if he could tell me a little story.

“This has been a real interesting course of events!”  He told me.  When I listed my house I knew I wanted to live closer to work.  I even knew the neighborhood I wanted, so I drove the streets as often as I could looking for a sign.”

He took a couple of steps toward me at the bottom of the stairs.  It was a bright sunny day.  I could feel the sun warming my head and shoulders.  He leaned back slightly and continued.

“As I drove I noticed a couple of women who were always walking their dogs.  I love dogs so one day I pulled along side and said, ‘I just wanted to stop and compliment you on the way you take care of your dogs!  I’ve been driving around this neighborhood looking for a house to purchase for a long time and you’re here walking your dogs every time I come by.’”

I saw excitement beginning to radiate from his eyes.

He continued, “The women eagerly replied, ‘we have a neighbor who needs to sell!  She just moved into a care facility and her family needs to sell her home so she has the money she needs.  We’ll take you over there.’  They introduced me. We made a deal!  It was all because I stopped to give a sincerely compliment!  If you give people compliments good things will happen to you!”

He was talking to me from his heart.  I knew his life was an example of this kind of living.  He had done so many things to help my Clients and ease their way into their new home.  He said, “I know how hard moving is and I want to make things as easy as possible for them.”

So, I entered the second code John had given me.  “Thanks John, you’re very kind!”

Now I’ve passed this essential code to you. There are lots of passwords and codes we need to remember these days.  They’re all important. Still, we forget some and often tire of having to keep them in the forefront of our thoughts. But, perhaps the one we should always remember to use to open the door to a happier life for everyone around us is: Compliment those around you as often as possible.  It’s a code that works whenever it is used.