Is Anybody Listening?

“I told you before and nobody would listen to me.”

“I keep telling him I need his help and he won’t do anything about it.”

-      Two Different Friends

Is Anybody Listening?

I was looking across the table at a close friend telling me about the challenges he was facing in his work.  Then the next day I was standing outside a building listening to another friend, and Client, say, “I told you before and nobody would listen to me!”

I can still hear their voices and I can still see their faces.  I feel the genuine dissatisfaction rolling from their bodies on its way to cover me in the same way I’ve seen fog engulf the Golden Gate Bridge.  Their discouragement is a cold damper to my peace of mind.  I didn’t know what to say to them at the time.  I sat speechless, helpless and ineffective.

So, I’ve thought a lot about each instance and have been searching the experience trails throughout my mind in an effort to give each one of them a sure fire method of solving the issue.  I was hoping for the discovery of a formula that has worked for me in the past.  But, I haven’t thought of one!

Now I think there’s a reason I haven’t been able to find one simple formula.  Perhaps it’s because every situation and the dynamic between singular people is different.  Trying to force what someone else is going through into the prism of one’s own experience can be a mistake.  In fact, it can compound the situation and can even make it worse.  It can signal to another person that there is no effort being given to understanding their point of view.

Another wise friend of mine said, “Why do you want to spend your time walking the same trail over and over again when you know it won’t take you where you want to go?”  Relying on our past’s personal experience too much can lead all of us into the same unwinnable trap!

It’s important to actively listen to others in order to stay out of this trap.  What I mean by actively listening is: ask questions until you can feel as if you’re looking through the other person’s eyes.  Really work to make sure you hear exactly what they’re meaning is.  I find myself jumping to conclusions too quickly and too often.

So, I’ve set up a little frustration signal for myself; whenever I look into another person’s eyes and begin to see the fog of frustration beginning to flow from the center of their iris, I know I need to just take a deep breath and stop.   Then I take the conversation back one step and ask them to “tell me again because I don’t think I got it all,” and sure enough, I didn’t!  Slowing the conversation for clarification is lot better than having them take me by the throat while shouting, “Is anybody listening?” as they scramble my brain! 

If you and I can adjust our listening skills just a little bit we can improve our relationships with countless numbers of people.  We’ll have more close friends and best of all; we’ll have other people willing to listen to us when we need to be listened to.